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Approximately 8 minutes to read
about 4 years ago Becca Griffith said:
Wonderful! I love the details.
about 4 years ago Jessica said:
Wow this is great!The details are amazing.
about 4 years ago Calley Rupp said:
Simply amazing, I love the story, very creative and well done. Keep on keeping on...
about 4 years ago Dawn Bishop said:
Ah, so much talk of love! I really liked the unique setting of this story, but I also really liked how you were able to add in so much emotion and still keep your unique idea added in.
about 4 years ago Shayymin said:
I really liked this story!
I thought that the girl character repeated a lot of the obvious, and sometimes I wondered why they were meeting in the first place. If she was trying to deny love that whole time, why did he even other trying?
For some reason, she reminded me of Kristen Stewart, not enough emotions...
But, good job! I thought that it was truly tragic... :)
about 4 years ago Nataliya Tash said:
Wonderful job! I really like the overall plot, the use of a dystopian setting to create pressure, and the dialogue.
The only things i have to suggest are, sometimes in the girl's thoughts, there is a lot of repetition or stating of the obvious that makes reading less exciting. Sentences like this, for example...."Scientists are conditioned to discard the pointless parts of life. Like emotion." It's something thats either been said enough previously or hinted at, so the reader can easily deduce this. I think with this setting and plot, less is more. You want the reader to be intrigued and on their feet. Cutting some sentences may actually make the piece better.
And also, there's a part where the Scientist describes "a fizzy feeling" and then later on you mention fizziness again? I don't know if this is a typo and you are aiming to describe a fuzzy feeling-which is something I have heard before and can attest to experiencing. Meanwhile, feeling fizzy, I don't know, maybe you're making a pun because she's a Scientist? :)
Anyways, great work, this is a nice read.