Junior High of the Dead

Junior High of the Dead

1 chapter / 2572 words

Approximately 13 minutes to read

Description:

June 29th, 2010, Liam is a not-so-average twelve year old, a social weirdo and grease-ball saddened and distraught from the recent loss of his friends, his life takes a sudden turn for the worse when his school becomes under siege. It's the zombie apocalypse and barely escaping with their lives, Liam and his schoolmates seek to find refuge. In the resulting hours however, they find themselves having to deal with human beings some much more frightening, and some much worse than the undead.

Genres:

Drama, Horror, Adventure

Comments(13)

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Reviews(7)

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over 1 year ago figment said:

Try making their friendship a little more important than their romance. It needs to be more "I don't know what I would do without you" than "man, your hot". 5) Last but not least, I love your foreshadowing skills! It just feels so exciting when you give little hints of what is going to happen and put suspicions in my head. Keep doing that!ultrasound technician salary by state

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almost 5 years ago C said:

Main feedback:

1. The sentences are too long, and they tend to drag on. If possible, it would be good if you break them down into smaller sentences, because the longer the sentence, the more confusing it will get for the readers because you put a lot action into one sentence. Consequently, the phrasing in your story suffers. For example: "But at the current time, it was still dark and the streets were barren and empty, there were a few faces here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary, some people would make midnight runs to the nearby variety store for a pack of smokes." There are two 'but's in there, and I think this is one long sentence that would work better if it was broken in two: "At the current time, it was still dark and the streets were barren and empty. There were a few faces here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary." I think you should leave out the 'some people would etc' because if you add that in, then the sentence won't make sense unless you add another little scene.

2. You shift tenses throughout the story. It starts of in past tense, however, there are some times where you move to present tense. Either the story is all in past tense, or it's all in present tense.

3. The story seems more like a...report? For example: "It was June 29, 2010, the last day of school for the year and of seventh grade. Liam had only just recently etc" You seem to push a lot of information in the early chapters, and by just telling the readers this, there's a higher chance that they'll forget the information you just listed. Instead of doing that, try to introduce the information little by little and not all at once. For example, Liam's paranoia, instead of outright telling the readers, try to imply it using his actions. That way, we get to know more about Liam himself instead of you just letting us know. It's also the same with the descriptions. Try not to tell the readers what the characters look like ("...she had curly light-brown hair etc") but instead show them, like what you did with Liam ("Liam Kennedy yawned, brushing back his greasy black hair with his hand.")

4. There is too much information for the readers too soon. It's hard to keep track of the people when we don't even know their personalities. Also, it'd be nice if we had more interaction between Liam and Trinh before she got bitten, because Liam's outburst seems out of place otherwise.

5. Romance - Um, I guess it's because I've never read a zombie-apocalypse story before, but I would have assumed that romance would be the last thing on their minds. "They stare at each other for a moment and begin to move in for a kiss etc" We're still in chapter 5, and I'm assuming that this isn't finished, but it would be good if you tone down the romance a little bit. Liam and Heather's relationship is based on both of them scared out of their mind and needing comfort, and it's moving too fast. It's not really an ideal relationship, you know? Let the romance develop naturally between them before making them kiss. Also, if you're writing a scene between them, then maybe don't tell the readers that they're going to kiss outright? Try: Liam held Heather's gaze and he was acutely aware of her hand over his. Heart pounding, he slowly leaned in etc

6. Liam's character is too all-over the place. One chapter, he's bawling his eyes out, and the next, he's stabbing a knife in someone's abdomen. Try to make the change in his character slow - if it's too fast, it won't be realistic to the readers at all.

I think you have a really good idea here :) Hope this feedback helps! And if you have any questions about my feedback at all, then don't hesitate to ask me :)

-Charlene