Escaping Freedom

Escaping Freedom

5 chapters / 4410 words

Approximately 22 minutes to read

Description:

*Cover by the always amazing TheHalf-Light!!!!!* It’s the summer after eighth grade, and cousins Emma and Ronnie are stuck living with Ronnie’s mom, as they have for as long as they can remember. Alley, as they call her, is a rich from her successful job as a lawyer, and treats the girls horribly, forcing them to do ridiculous chores for her and their neighbors in a heavily wooded neighborhood in Castle Rock, Colorado. Despite her cruelty, something seems to hold her back from being truly evil to the girls. One day, when the girls are strolling through town, they come across an advertisement for the perfect home. Filled with bliss and freedom, it looks like a dream come true compared to Emma and Ronnie’s current situation. The flyer states that a train will come to get anyone willing to come, so the girls run away from the home they've always known in search of something better. Life is perfect, for once, but suddenly, the truth is revealed about a huge secret and it changes Emma and Ronnie’s lives forever.

Genres:

Writing, Adventure, Novel

Comments(26)

Black_interesting_tattoo_sketch_of_raven

over 3 years ago Nature<3 said:

Please continue it.

Cool4

over 4 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:

*criticize, not characterize lol

Cool4

over 4 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:

This sounds really, really good so far! The first chapter really drew me in, and I felt like I was really getting to know the characters by chapter 2.

However, I wish there were a better way of introducing the characters rather than just putting up a chapter entirely of background information in the second chapter. It slightly drags the story after the wonderful beginning.

Other than that, though, I couldn't find much to characterize. You've got a wonderful, natural writing style, and a very intriguing plot. Great job and keep writing!

Scary-shadow

over 4 years ago The Creator said:

This is amazing! Thanks for reading Version 3.0!

Reviews(7)

Ry

over 4 years ago Ryanne Kap said:

The aunt makes me grrrrrr... But I'm sure that was what you intended. From what I read, this is an excellent story. Emma and Ronnie have just the right amount of sass and spunk to make me smile. Alley, of course, elicits grrrrs from me. Although after learning about her backstory, I felt sorry for her. Forced to raise a child from a relationship you've envied? That's like telling Snape to raise Harry... LOL. Speaking of back stories, I felt that the second chapter was a giant info dump. It was very...bland compared to the first chapter. Perhaps you can find a new way to integrate that information? The way Emma told it was uncharacteristically formal, I think.

Newest me

over 4 years ago Sally Balboa said:

Chapter 3

You didn't have to go into so much detail about what her room looked like. Honestly I just skipped through that and went to the next paragraph.

It wasn't until I looked up and saw tat the names were different that I noticed you were switching points of view. I find it weird that the two girls personalities are interchangeable enough to where I don't know who's speaking. Maybe try mixing it up a bit more.

I love how they have their own little secret thing. And how they're partners in crime against Alley. Gives the story a familiar flavor, and once again makes it very relatable.