4 chapters / 2838 words

Approximately 14 minutes to read


This is my current big project, that I will be spending most of my time on. Enjoy.


Writing, Fantasy, Serial


Mara poster 1

over 5 years ago Sienna_Colt said:

I just randomly started reading this and I have to say this is an excellent piece. You have such great detail and imagery, and your piece flows so smoothly. Great job!! ~~Sienna~~

Shark katie

over 6 years ago Katelyn said:

Great job on this. Good set up for the opening and I love the foreign language or newly created one. Loved it.


over 6 years ago Ronnie said:

Ahhh I love it! I love the imagery you used and I love your writing style. You should be proud that you write fantasy very nicely because I know many people who can't. Great work!


over 6 years ago Jacob Byrd said:

OK, first of all your INCREDIBLY talented at writing fantasy. And second of all, this is an amazing story...it's descriptive, creative, imaginative, and all around great. Keep it up:D


Senior photo

almost 7 years ago Ara Avery said:

Favorite description!!!!: The old man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of silver dust, and he gently scatters it over the fire. The flames slowly gather strength, beginning to leap and twist, dancing in a light wind that has just appeared. The figures cloaks billow about them, and they clutch them close. Overall, the descriptions and thorough detail of the surroudnings throughout these chapters were awesome. On a minor note from a sentence in chapter 3, I wish I could make dolls like Garret haha. ;)


almost 7 years ago Rinske Roeleveld said:

I do love to review. Let's see how good your story is ;)


No huge apparent grammatical mistakes or typos. Maybe you could change 'The man who has spoken slowly begins a chant.' to 'had spoken' because there was some time between when he spoke and when he started to chant, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary.

Ah, interesting. The mother can see by the colour of his eyes that he's chosen. His life won't be a lot of fun, if people can easily see he's different. Poor kid.

Chapter 1 - The Market

Deryck, nice name. Ok, I thought it was visible that he was 'chosen'. Or do all the people know and ignore it for his own sake? I bet he doesn't even know he's supposedly special.

Though you use a lot of adjectives, your style sometimes seems a little bit simple. You use a lot of short sentences. It's not a bad thing, since your use of vocabulary is good.

Chapter 2 - The Farm

No sign of Derycks parents yet. I wonder why.

'took a long drink' I don't know why, but somehow this just sounds odd.

'The family oohed and ahhed over it, trying to please its youngest member' How cute!

Overall your grammar and vocabulary is good! It's a nice start.