Vengeance

Vengeance

8 chapters / 7116 words

Approximately 36 minutes to read

Description:

Laila has seen too many people close to her die. She won't allow it to happen anymore. She packs her bags and journeys to the fearsome Atrum Silva, home of the Nightlanders, and vows to kill the leader, Acerbus, leaving the Nightlanders leaderless.

Genres:

Writing, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(6)

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over 4 years ago Twilight Stevens said:

This was really well written! I loved your plot and your description was great!

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over 4 years ago Kylie Marie said:

Very interesting. Some of your grammar was off but nothing that can't easily be fixed. Good job!

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over 4 years ago Ashore said:

Nice story plot and good language. However, I think Laila should show more emotion when her lover is dying..after all, he is her lover. The part filled with intense hatred and anger is painted vividly, and the descriptions are good. Nice work and happy writing :)

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over 4 years ago L.R. said:

It definitely is a good idea. And I'm only guessing, but is that Latin you're using? I like the second language that was thrown in.

Reviews(2)

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over 3 years ago Andrew Sims said:

I agree with Catherine! The beginning was great! Their was a few grammar mistakes but overall, it was a great book.

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over 4 years ago Catherine Hart said:

Nice hook at the beginning, it captures attention without giving away too much.

This is just a little thing, but it might be better to switch "dark and light" around to "light and dark" because then light is always first and dark is second. So, "Day and night. Light and dark. The Aduron and the Nightlanders." (excellent names, btw.) It's just a suggestion, but it might flow better if a pattern was kept.

"Strong and mighty and powerful" this is also just another suggestion to delete one of the "and"s and replace it with a comma. So, "Strong, mighty, and powerful." To me personally it sounds more like a list if there's an and between each adjective and it sounds more like a description if there's commas. But again, this is just a personal opinion, you may do what you wish with it.

"The Aduron[,] who live -etc-" That sentence could probably be made into two separate sentences. As it is right now, I think all it's missing is a comma after "The Aduron" but it might be easier to read and comprehend if it was separated into two sentences.

I think "illuminate" might be a better word to use than "brighten" because the word "bright" had just been used in the last sentence. Using illuminate would add more word variation.

The sentence that describes their weapons might be better if broken up into separated sentences. There's just so many things being described in that one sentence that its a little confusing to read at first glance. Plus the nice thing about dividing it up into more sentences is the opportunity for more precise and vivid descriptions for each of the weapons.

Oh, so this is in past tense. Mkay, then it might be better to take the top paragraph in the prologue that gives a brief run over of the conflict between the Aduron and the Nightlanders and either make that all present tense (or make it all past tense. Just make sure to keep it all in one general tense.)

Again, this comment is a personal word choice on my part, but when it says that the Nightlanders are a "sly, cunning kind:" I almost think it would be better to use the word "breed" instead of "kind" because even though kind does make sense in the sentence, breed tends to keep better with the overall tone. Again, this is just a personal opinion.

Also with that sentence, instead of a colon after the word "kind", it might be better just to end the sentence there and then make "Masters of night," the start of the next sentence.

Because the word "you" isn't really mentioned anywhere else in the passage, it might be better not to use that tone. I would suggest changing it to "they can even hear the Aduron's darkest thoughts." Using "the Aduron's" is just an idea, but can easily be swapped with "human's" or "mortal's" or "the mind's" depending on what tone you want the sentence to convey.

As far as your note to the readers goes.... Hmm, good question. It's a good prologue because it does rely general background information... But this choice is really up to you. If you can smoothly work it into the rest of the story, then I say go for it. But if in the end it just doesn't seem to work with that much information mixed into the story, then keep the prologue. But I would try both ways and then pick the one you like more (yeah, I know, it'd be a lot of writing and re-writing, but that's the life of an author.)

Great physical descriptions of what her emotions are doing to her. A lot of people miss adding that to their stories, but this one has it right off the bat.

"I'm on my way." That should be a new paragraph. It's annoying, but every time someone speaks, it should be a new paragraph.

Is the world of Equinox like Earth? Because if Equinox is an entirely different world compared to earth, then it might be better to use something besides a "cheetah" to describe her running speed. If there are actual cheetah's in this world, the never mind, keep this description. Just remember that if you don't want Equinox to be like Earth, then don't use "earthy" (as my writing teacher so eloquently put it during the alternate reality writing assignment) descriptions.

"Domos Lux, the House of Light[.] [This is] where our leader -etc-" It might be better to split the sentence with her bursting into the House of Light into two sentences because then there's less comma confusion.

The word "rushed" is used a lot. Try a different word, like "bolted" or something like that to add some word variation. (This is where a Thesaurus will be your best friend.) Same when describing the gash on Ryder's chest. Maybe use a different word besides "gash".

Eh, it might just be personal choice, but again, I would avoid using "you" in the story. It's just a little more professional to me that way.

Great emotional descriptions. Again, not very many authors realize the power behind describing raw emotion.

MM1: Let's see, re-wording.... Maybe: "The thought that consumed my mind was the desire to make Ryder's murderer suffer the way my Ryder had suffered." Maybe something like that?

"-Nightlander poison worked wicked[ly] fast."

MM2: Hmm, I like the sentence. But it might be better to change it into two separate sentences.

When it says "With my looks" This might be a good time to describe what she looks like. From what I've gathered so far is that she looks like a Nightlander. But other than that, I have no idea what she really even looks like. Maybe not a full-blown description of her, but just a little description of maybe her eye color, skin color, hair color? Because there's Nightlanders in this scene, this would be a great place for some comparisons.

MM3: Eh, yeah, it sorta does. But maybe say something to the effect of "I allowed the defenses in my mind to drop, letting the Nightlanders hear my thoughts clearly." Or something like that. Just remind the reader that the Nightlanders can communicate through telepathy.

Yaaay, fighting scene!!!!!!

"-Get out of here; you're too drained! I can handle him!["] (Just forgot some quotation marks there.)

"-but he was a much more clever fighter and more powerful tha[n] the others." (Just got the wrong letter. It accidentally spelled "that" before and that didn't make much sense...)

"-and the tip of the wicked[,] sharp blade." "The grass that touched the sword grew gray and withered." The fact that there are two "gr" words right next to each other disturbs me just a tad. Try to use a different word besides "grew" maybe? Like.... "Faded" "Shriveled" or even change it around and make it "-touched the sword withered into a sickly gray." Idk, something like that so there aren't two "gr" words right next to each other.

In the paragraph where the Nightlander is flailing his blade, I'm just wondering if he picked up his Nightblade again or if he had another sword or dagger or something. I don't think it mentions how he gets another sword if his Nightblade flew out of his hand.

In the last paragraph, maybe thrown in some more details. Like, as darkness overtook her, was it a sharp, head-splitting burst of pain that knocked her unconscious? Or did she was she slowly lulled into the dark abyss of a false-sleep? It's honestly great without it, but it might be fantastic with it.

The word "said" is used a lot in the conversation between the main character and Cielo. The word "asked" is used quite a bit as well. This is just a case of a little sentence variation. Look up the two words in a thesaurus and try to find a word that means basically the same thing, but has the ability to convey more meaning. Like, I could just say the old man shouted at the children, or I could say that the old man barked at the children, because that gives a better picture at how the old man shouts. (Okay... that was a lame example. But hey, it'll do.)

The beginning of a sentence should never be the word "and".

Haha, fantastic and witty banter. I love the dialogue that's in the story!

So overall, it seems like the main thing I've been pointing out is a few small flaws in general story structure and words choice. The main thing I think it separating some sentences into more than one and having a thesaurus as your best buddy as you write this. One thing that I didn't really mention but I probably should have is add some more scenery detail, especially contrast of the "light land" to the "dark land" because it seems like there should be a great contrast between the two kingdoms. Besides that, there's great dialogue and there's fantastic emotional and physical detailing.

TTFN ~ Ta-ta for now!

Have a frabjous day.