Want to follow along with this writing? Sign up Today, it's free and easy
Approximately 7 minutes to read
I don't have much done yet, but I'm going to add more. A lot more.
Mom died in an accident, Dad re-married, and his kids resent his new wife, until their father and her wife suddenly disappears... (Cover by Mikki Jayne)
10 months ago Kira White said:
hi, are you open to swaps? if so, please read my work called "The Shinigami", and let me know what you would like me to read in return. thanks! :)
over 2 years ago Kandeeisnotbeingatroll. said:
The idea...awsomeness I tell you.
I tol' my friends to read this, I think you'll be getting a few random readers soon, this is truley awsome.
I havent come across a good story in a while, and although I wasnt planning to read till the end, I was so captivated with your writting, I couldnt stop.
Awosme Awsome job. You have a really developed skill of writting, keep it up♥
over 2 years ago Gemma Kelly said:
Love how this is starting out. The narrator is really personable, really easy to connect with! A few grammar mistakes but overall I really hope you add more :) Hearts!
over 2 years ago Lucy Shifflett said:
Good job so far, I like how you just jump right into the story and give the true opinions about the dad. Keep it up :)
about 2 years ago Zombie Zoe said:
The second to last paragraph of the prologue doesn't need to be there. It doesn't add anything to that part of the story, and it just interrupts the flow. There's also a bunch of telling. I get that it's a prologue, but you can show some things.
The beginning of Chapter One is unnecessary. It seems like you were just rambling about comfy chairs and clothes and breakfast and sarcasm and wit. Start the chapter when Whitney and Dad come home from grocery shopping. It would be a short chapter, but then you could just include it in the next one and skip this chapter altogether.
And I can't access Chapter Two because I need the code, but you get my drift. I don't think you're a bad writer. Honestly, I don't, even though it may seem like it from my review. There are a lot of good things in this story, but I pretty much only noticed the bad things while I was reading through. You could go really far with this, if you're willing to do some editing.
about 2 years ago Pond_in_the_TARDIS said:
This is intriguing, and I definetley want more. I love your descriptions and your amazing dialect. Most people don't usually indent their talking, but you did and I think it makes the book a whole lot easier to read. Good job!