Stained

Stained

22 chapters / 7302 words

Approximately 37 minutes to read

Description:

*Currently under full edits, previously called DIRT.* People around Gabriel die. It's an accepted fact. It's his fault. He is cursed.

Comments(7)

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8 months ago Lauren Fricke said:

This is an interesting piece you have here!

I enjoy the flashback chapters more than those during recent times because they flow more naturally. Your writing in the other chapters consists of short, croppy sentences and the word "I"... a lot. Try to reduce that.

Personally, I would encourage you to lean more on the side of your flashback writing style.

All in all, I think you have an intriguing start to this piece, and I would be interested to see how it all comes together!

P.S. Sorry this took so long! I didn't see that you had posted in the group what you wanted for payment. However, lovely job on your poem, and definitely check back for more!

Picture of me 29

8 months ago Kitsu Ki Yo said:

It sucks when you actually feel a little bit like the main character sometimes. Ripperoni me. But - other than me dreading a little that I can relate to the character, which might also leave a little bias with what I say, let's get to it:

The story was very deep and meaningful, and feels like the contrast between the good and dark moments in his life blend very well together to create somewhat a mix of emotions as I kept reading. It never felt over-the-top or just "edgy" as many would describe it (I am at a loss for the correct word at the moment, apologies). It feels just realistic and at the end left me very mixed and my heart warmed. Good job with this, and keep up the good work!

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8 months ago gries said:

OMG this is really good! It really captures the reader and I was sitting on the edge of my seat. I just kept reading, like I could't stop. Definitely will be coming back to read more! Keep on writing because you have got a gift for writing!

Hwgfoll

8 months ago Courtney Dozier said:

This is really good! The reader can truly feel Gabriel's pain and those scenes with his dad and sister show him putting the blame on himself. He feels he's responsible for their deaths and that's why he's so cold to other people. I like how Cassie is similar to his sister. I feel like she might be able to crack open his shell and get close to him if anyone can. This is such an interesting story! It flowed really naturally and there was just a couple grammatical typos like "here" in one spot was supposed to be "her" and stuff like that. Otherwise, it was awesome, and I'd love to read more!

Reviews(6)

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5 months ago Naomi Folettia said:

Review of Chapter 3

**Disclaimer Note: If I quote anything word for word, it's because I have another tab open for more productive reviewing.**

So, I'm going to go right into it.

The part where it starts with "I've already told you, I know nothing!" is a bit confusing whose point-of-view (POV) it is. At first it seems like it's the Dad but then you say "And suddenly I was angry. It filled me up, anger that..." and then "anger that they had managed to find me again". Who is "me"? Is it Gabriel or the Dad? I thought the POV was Gabriel's. I have a feeling maybe you wanted to say that the boy felt his father's anger?

To clear it up, change it to something like "And suddenly I felt all his anger and knew his reasons. It filled me up, anger that these men had invaded the house, anger that they had managed to fine Dad again, anger that their thirst for power hadn't died over the years and most of all, anger that they were threatening me, his son."

When the dying father says to his seven year old, "You're the man of the family now" seemed a bit strange. I would imagine something like "Be brave, Gabriel. Look after your brother, your mother...I know you will make me proud..."

Also, it should be "I shouldn't have been here" because although this is a past memory, we are looking at it from Gabriel's seven-year-old POV. So I think it should be "here" instead of "there".

I didn't understand why Gabriel didn't know why his father died. Isn't it obvious it's from being shot? And where was the mother during this time? And what did the men do after shooting Gabriel's father? Will we find these things out later in the story?

From this third chapter, it seems that you are trying to say Gabriel's anger, uncontrolled or for whatever reason, killed his father somehow. I feel like if you want to go in this direction, something different should happen between him and his father. To me, it seemed strange the father rushed to push his son out of the way WHILE his son was held at gunpoint. I would imagine he would stay put so the men don't pull the trigger.

Perhaps you need to add in something, like the mother comes down asking what is wrong, the men get distracted for a moment and the father pushes the son out of the way. Suddenly, people are shouting and the men are leaving terrified. This could hint that maybe it wasn't the gunshot that killed the father but something else. Then Gabriel finds his father dying, the men gone, and the mother comes in, screams and goes to call the police.

These are just my ideas and they are only based on the first three chapters. Take away from them what you like :)

Overall, it seems like the start of an interesting story with a bit of mystery, suspense, perhaps horror?

Anyway, happy editing :D

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5 months ago Naomi Folettia said:

Review of Chapter 1 & 2:

**Disclaimer: If I quote anything word for word, it's because I have another tab open for more productive reviewing.**

First off, I have nothing to say for the first chapter (which is more like a prologue?) Just interesting enough to make me feel like maybe I do want to know more about Gabriel.

For the second chapter, here's some things I noticed that could do with a bit of fixing and/or clarification. For these, I gave some suggestions. And since I'm reviewing as I read, I also have some comments on certain sentences that stood out. In the end, I will give you my overall opinion on the chapter.

"I swing a strap of my backpack" = A bit awkward to say "a strap". Perhaps change it to "the strap". "A strap" sounds like there are several and he chose one of them.

The part about the teacher making a new student introduce themselves in front of everyone is so true and funny. Funny now because I had to do it once in elementary school. Seriously, as you said, "as if you don't feel awkward enough" XD

"and I spend my free well-hidden in the back" = I think you're missing something after "free". Did you meant to say "free time"? And I'm also confused...he seems to be in maths and in the back of the large school library at the same time? You say "free" which I'm guessing is "free time" but then you say "At break". Maybe it's because I've never been to an English-speaking high school that I'm confused but are free time and break different? Don't you have free time when you're on break?

"watching me slyly out of the corner of here eye" = I do this a lot, too. "her" not "here".

"I'm missing out on that little bit more of their lives" = Not sure which way you were going. Was he "missing out on more of their lives" or "missing out on those little bits of their lives"? Maybe the second one is what you meant?

"We spend the evening on the sofa, after a heated debate, Benji and Tess decide to watch some..." = Sounds like they had a heated debate AND THEN spent the evening on the sofa (which sounds both strange and funny :P ). I suggest switching the order of things in the sentence because I don't think you meant they had a heated debate and then watched a movie. It was debate on which movie to watch, right?

Also, I just realized at the end, that Benji and Tess also don't believe in the curse. But you make it sound like everyone else does and there are only three who don't. When Gabriel comes home you say about his mom, "She also doesn't believe it. She's one of only three who don't." Only three sounds like she and two other people are the ONLY ones who don't believe him.

So here I'm thinking, so her mom is one, are the two others his father and someone else from his past? Then Benji and Tess turn out to be the two others. I would suggest just saying "She knows why I don't want to get close to people. But she doesn't believe it. Before she can follow up on..."

Like that, just cut out the part where you say "also" and "only" because "also" comes out of nowhere without linking to any previous sentence and "only" means everyone else does except the mom, Tess, and Benji. Switch the order in the sentence just to clarify.

So that's all for this review. Overall, it seems interesting and I wonder where this is going. Gabriel does still seem a little...bland, don't take this the wrong way as I know it is only one chapter on Gabriel I have read so far. But I am curious about this thing that he has (or thinks he has) which he feels he needs to keep people away.

Happy writing! :D