1 chapter / 491 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read


Margo fell in love with a poet. She used to scoff at his dramatics. She never stared at the constellations, projecting heartbreak into the ether and imagining both of them as star-crossed lovers. She wanted the here and now. She wanted something concrete. Then everything changed. And all Margo wanted was Samuel.



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almost 4 years ago Cait Cher said:

Can you make this into a novel please? I want to read more.

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over 4 years ago Mosca Mye said:

This is great - I was a little aprehensive at the start, given the number of adjectives in the first paragraph, but its actually really nicely balanced, with a good mix of her emotions and thoughts and images of what's around her. I especially loved the bit about "words like wet paper".


almost 5 years ago Sonty V. said:

I loved loved loved your descriptions! :D They were vivid and breathtaking :) especially how you described the stars ^^ keep writing ~ sonty


Maskman19 (l)

almost 5 years ago Tem D'Mindu said:

I can see the city spreading out and below me. But I'm having some trouble following the story without going back to the description (which is cheating a little bit - all the description should provide, that's not already in the story, is a name).

You've made an effort (completely successful, by the way) to paint us a picture with words, but because so little happens in the present, it ultimately feels static and unchanging. That kid will always be barefoot on the metal balcony. That poet will always be mid-flight without a cape.

But the city will go on. Life will go on. And she will remain.

I think you might have filled the story with too much imagery. It's _good_, and tells us what we need to know about the speaker, but at the expense of the beginning-middle-end structure that is the backbone of literature (to me, at least). So I find it to be more a picture in... 491 words, than a story.

Having said that, it's internally consistent and coherent, which I find to be a _welcome_ change in this contest. Most importantly, I like how she never actually states her emotions - we get a pretty good idea just through what she describes - other than her love for him.

The story's other flaw is that it's so dense that any attempt to make more than a minor change will derail it in some way... But my only suggestion is that you change it so the speaker never actually says she loved him. Imply beyond any reasonable doubt, but never actually use the word 'love'.

On a purely artistic level, I think this ought to be a finalist. But then there's the subject matter, and the question of whether that's printable in Seventeen Magazine... You should definitely shop it around when the contest is over.

Oh, and for Figment purposes - you may want to change the Genres. 'Writing' is generic, and this is in no way an Essay or Article. 'Drama', maybe... Same goes with the Tags. People do use them to search. Sometimes.

That's about all I've got. Hope it helps, and good luck!


almost 5 years ago Denise Mallett said:

I see a lot of potential in this. Some lovely descriptions, such as: "...the blackness billowing around him like the cape he does not have." It's more than a description. I think it suggests that part of the reason he is taking his own life is because he could not become the superhero every man wishes to be.

However, there are times when the descriptions are off. An example: "...taxis and cars zip through the streets, honking and shouting..." Vehicles do not shout; people inside vehicles shout.

Another: "...cold, rigid metal." We all know metal is rigid, so just say cold. Allow the reader to fill in the blanks; I think it helps them enter in and make your story their own. It has also been said that stating obvious details is an insult to the reader's intelligence.

Also: " nails digging into the sweaty surface, rough and crooked." First, I'm not sure if the railing is wood or not, but regardless, "sweaty" is an odd adjective to describe a railing. Second, when you say "rough and crooked", the placement of this is in reference to your nails. If you mean the railing, change the placement. Try perhaps: " nails digging into the rough wood, which is beaded in moisture."

Try not to pour on detail after detail. Or, to be precise, do not pour on adjective after adjective. Use strong nouns and verbs instead. Otherwise you will be modifying weak nouns and verbs with adjectives and adverbs, thus weakening the sentence even more.

An example. Instead of: "The tall, skinny girl hurriedly ran across the empty, quiet street." ...try... "The willowy girl dashed across the deserted street."

"Willowy" means tall and skinny, thus describing her in one blow. "Hurriedly ran" is clunky and can be replaced with a verb that packs a pow. Next, if a street is empty, you know it will be quiet, so you need only one word: empty or deserted. Take this format and apply it to your own writing. See if you can cut down on unnecessary words by choosing the RIGHT words.

One more thing: I would try not to be too creative with your descriptions and similes. You don't want the reader to quirk their brow.

Keep writing. I was delighted by several things in this piece, and I think you are capable of writing many more with such heart.