The Struggle

The Struggle

1 chapter / 473 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read

Description:

Suggested music track: New Slang by The Shins

written for the patterson contest
Amazing cover by Katie Holland!

Comments(70)

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over 4 years ago Cocomoonshots said:

I really liked this. It pulled men in and made me sad when he died. I love the last line so final. All in all it was great!

Carolicon2

over 4 years ago Kayla said:

Really interesting and well written - unique and not what I expected (which I loved) - very well done

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over 4 years ago Victoria Guyadeen said:

Simply amazing. Captured my attention and kept it. So much emotion and a sad ending. Great job!

Z0rwq

over 4 years ago *~LyricalChaos~* said:

This. Was. Breathtaking. Your short sentences and beautiful descriptions really packed a punch. Some might say the fragments are bad, but I think they really work for the story you're telling. Overall, this is beautifuly written and I can't wait to read your other 2 stories.(:

*~Lyric~*

Reviews(6)

Tea2_picmonkeyed

almost 5 years ago Someone said:

'Before the Happening, we would have' - you put an extra space after would. It's just glaring at me from the page.

'Eaten strawberries together at a French cafe. Ran our fingers across each other's face and memorized every imperfection. Kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve. But that was before; now the only kisses that exist are Death's.' - This entire paragraph is composed of fragments.

What exactly happened in this 'Happening'?

'Planet Earth is disintegrating' - You don't need to say 'Planet Earth'. We know Earth is a planet. Just say 'Earth'.

'Nowhere is safe. Nowhere is home. There is only today. Nothing else.' - This section feels choppy and repetitive.

I notice that you use repetitive phrasing a lot. You also like using half-sentences. (Sentences starting with a conjunction) In general, you need to watch out for overusing fragments.

Some examples: 'But that was before'.

'And still, I was foolish enough to feel, to think Connor was a gift. Foolish enough to think a God still existed. Maybe just foolish.'

'But I saw his soul. I saw his soul and I knew I couldn't give up. Not on him. Not yet. So I sat up at night while...'

'We were young. We fell in love. But we were just dead men walking.'

'But love does strange things. Throws rational thought out the window.'

'So when we barely escaped death over and over'

'And I knew it would happen'

'And they knew it'

'Despised me for allowing myself to love him.'

'watched his eyes blink, watched him swallow the polluted air, watched the life swim out his mouth and float into the sky.'

'And though it had already been said'

The last sentence was amazing, by the way.

Overall, you had a good story with good characters. The only flaw I found happened to be a large one. Cut down the fragments. Also, you tend to repeat the last phrase of a sentence in the next sentence. ('But I saw his soul. I saw his soul...')

Stylistically, this wasn't the best piece. You had sentence variety, which is good. However, because of that variety, you also limited your capacity for flow. I couldn't sink into the story as much as I would have liked.

Read it out loud for awkward constructions. After that, combine some of those fragments into sentences. Once you do that, your piece will flow a lot better.

Keep writing, and good luck on the contest!

Dsc_0178

almost 5 years ago Dalton said:

Coming from someone who did the 500 words you certainly brought your A-game. A survival romance is always nice. A post-apocalyptic survival romance is even more interesting. You showed they had chemistry prior to the disaster and that their struggle to survive was the thing that no one approved of due to his injury. I have to say it was tragic wouldn't being too depressing or overly dramatic.

Rating- 7.6 Nice characters and story if a tad generic. Apocalypse was a nice touch however.