Mercy's Fall

Mercy's Fall

3 chapters / 4565 words

Approximately 23 minutes to read

Description:

Completely new content! All critiques are welcome.

Genres:

Writing, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(21)

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over 2 years ago MichelleWeber777 said:

I enjoyed this. Pierce is the bad ass you love to hate and love again. I can feel his attitude coming through. Can't wait to read more..

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almost 3 years ago Avalon Nightwick said:

I absolutely love Pierce. He's kind of a bad ass and you can tell he's really a man-of-action sort of guy. Your descriptions were strong and quite vivid but sometimes I felt like it was a bit too much.

Shhh

almost 3 years ago Broken_Angel1024 said:

I like it, it is a very good story and very descriptive. You can imagine what is going on when you are describing it. There is some kind of panic when you read about how a strange basket appears and how the priest is acting. You want to know what it is just the way you described it just because of how you had the priest acting. Over all it was a good story and I liked reading it.

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over 3 years ago Lorelle Shorten said:

This is good. I like the details you included as it really set the scene and made the character feel more real. It's quite mysterious and I'm not sure of the direction you're going to take this story which makes it more intriguing. So far, good job :)

Reviews(19)

Me2

almost 3 years ago Scookie said:

An unusual start, which is great. I haven’t read something similar before and the writing is very clear. You clearly care a lot about your work, and it ends in the right place to make me want to read on.

I think you could show more emotion, and show more of what is happening. Leave anything that is unnecessary untold. In general, I felt like you could say more with fewer words too. There was a lot of passive tense and elaborate descriptions which - while I liked the writing - it slows the pace as there’s too much detail where it doesn’t need to be.

The opening seems simple, straight forward, but a lot of telling. I understand that showing us all of that would probably be quite dull, but I felt like you could take out a line and tell us less. Other bits could be implied more, rather than told. However, as it stands, it’s still easy to read, easy to picture, and easy to slip into.

Wavering along their edges – I’m afraid I don’t know what this means. It also sounds like there should be a full stop after ‘figure’. Restructuring this as a full sentence may help.

There’s something about this which makes me feel like it should be in past tense. It would possibly help you show more, as present tense does tend to be more tell-y. I want to feel more emotion, know more about what’s going on inside his head, and understand what’s happening as if I’m there. Presently, it feels like the opening stage directions of a play.

As it begun – began.

Precarious night – perhaps leave this as implicit.

Upcast – this isn’t a really word... ‘cast upwards’?

Aligns himself – with what?

While he recuperates – this is one phrase which could be rewritten to show. ‘leans on the streetlamp, panting’ is far more descriptive. And fewer words = faster pace.

Of which he speaks to – can drop this.

The church is in the Father’s view – lots of passive tense too. Try to use active voice more often as it’s direct, cleaner, and usually read easier. ‘Father spots the church’ ‘ Father sees the church’. If you choose not to do it here, it would be good to use active voice more in other places.

The description of the basket is in a lot of detail. I can picture it well.

[When his eyes adjust to the darkness, he sees that it is light purple in colour.] – write in chronological order. Try not to explain what happens and then say why, unless that’s how the character discovers the events.

A wave of darkness – I’m unsure whether this is emotional, metaphoric, or something supernatural has just occurred. Perhaps describe this is more detail.

Ok, I worked out it was probably metaphoric. In that case, tone it down. Sounds a bit melodramatic. What is this darkness? Is it dread? Say that instead.

knees before it – this sounds unfinished. I know what you mean, but before it sounds like ‘before it [verb]’. If possible, restructure to avoid this confusion.

The ending was perfect. I wasn’t quite expecting a baby and I have lots of questions: who’s baby is this? Why is he shaking so much? Whom does he owe? What was given in return? Fantastic.

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almost 3 years ago E. L. Jenae said:

Your description is so amazing. I was immediately hooked by the way you described, well, everything. I read the previous reviews and can't say I saw anything else worth tweaking. Please keep writing!

For the swap, I would be forever grateful if you read the first two chapters of Roads Untraveled. It hasn't quite been through editing yet, so I'm not asking anyone to read more than that yet.