The Legend of M.J.C

The Legend of M.J.C

1 chapter / 687 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

Have you ever been confronted by a ghost? Well 9 year old john has and he will regret it for the rest of his life.

Comments(3)

5sos profile pic

almost 5 years ago Alyce McKnight said:

Okay, that was creepy, yet somehow touching and I wish I had a better crtique than that but really I think that was insanely good. =)

273799_100002634291269_1299396943_n

almost 5 years ago Haley Kurtz said:

This the creepiest most beautiful story I have ever read. Thank you for having me read this!

Mq_pp03_edit[1]

almost 5 years ago Jasmine q. Lee said:

alright, that was really creepy. At first I thought it was just a cute little story yet it turned out so dark. I would suggest that Mary's whisper wasnt actually a whisper and instead a thought, especially since your writing in third person omniscient anyway. Real freaky. Nice job

Reviews(1)

Short hair sunset

over 4 years ago Nightingail said:

This is super creepy! I loved how it was short and sweet but still told a truly chilling story. :)

It was a great piece, if not a little cliché, but there were also a lot of mistakes that detracted a lot from the story. If you fixed it up a little, it would probably greatly improve the story!

In the very first line, you need to end the first sentence after “his very first day of third grade.” Then, “I don’t like my teacher!” should start off the next sentence. ‘He’ should not be capitalized there. Also, not to be annoying, but you ended that complaint with an explanation point and then stated that he mumbled it. Usually, an explanation point is not used when words are mumbled.

“Well, why not,” should probably start a new paragraph.

“She had short brown curly hair which framed her face, ebony black eyes (I really like that description), and an eerie voice,” would be a better sentence there.

You spelled Mary Jane Collins’s name two different ways in the two places her name was written out, just so you know.

I’m not quite sure what you meant by “she willing responded.” Is it supposed to say “willingly”? If so, I’m not sure that makes any sense. The fact that she responded at all indicates that she was willing to respond. ‘Eagerly’ might be a better way of expressing her readiness to answer.

You need a period after “…was his simple reply.”

Again, I’m not sure what you meant by “John unknowingly responded.” I think you can just say “John responded” without using any adverb there.

In Mary’s little outburst, she describes her house as ‘small and confined’. “Confined” doesn’t seem to me to be a word that is in most third-graders’ vocabulary. ‘Crowded’ or ‘cramped’ might sound a bit more realistic.

I think you could add more to the part where John sees Mary’s grave. Saying “they came upon this one grave” sounds like a casual way to describe what appears to be a climactic part of the story. Build in some more suspense here. Because your story is already a little cliché, you need to add in some extra great suspense or description to give it its own flair.

“Third graders” in the last paragraph should be “third grader’s.”

Like I said, I think you should expand on this. In all honesty, I’ve read more than one ghost story in my life that follows a similar plat as this one does. However, I know that you can add your own flair to it and make it something really special. There’s nothing wrong with making it longer. For example, what happened to Mary? Why is she dead, and why in the world do people die horrible deaths if she befriends them? Did Mary kill John, or was that the work of some other evil character who has cursed Mary?

Overall, this gave me chills. It’s almost eleven at night right now where I am and everyone else in my family is asleep, and I’m still sort of afraid of the dark (okay, let’s face it, I am scared of the dark. I’ll admit it, haha) so this gave me the creeps. In that respect you’ve got a talent. Cleaning it up a bit and possibly expanding on it to give it more depth would really make this a great piece. Great job!

Abbey