1 chapter / 1291 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


My mommy always tell's me Ruru will protect me from the monster's so how can he not...?
A girl's harmless love for her teddy bear has cost her, a lot.



over 4 years ago Ivy said:

Oh my gosh! I actually thought of this idea a while back where you would take something that human's look to for comfort and you add a horrific twist! Great job!! I really enjoyed reading this!


over 4 years ago Aurora Sanders said:

That was SO sad! You did well but I'd suggest putting more emotion into the parts that aren't the first little girl's part. It's an interesting concept. You need to check your writing over for errors with apostrophes. This is an interesting and hilarious lesson about them.


over 4 years ago Insanity Caged said:

I don't really see too much wrong with it but, like Camille Winter said watch how you start your paragraphs. This story is really creepy and reminds me when I was younger and had two stuffed bears named Wes and Liam. I hate clowns and now I believe I don't like stuffed bears too much either. Haha lol:)


over 4 years ago Jackie Evangeline said:

Wow, this totally reminded me of Twilight Zone or something; very cool. Keep writing!



over 4 years ago Charming Quill said:

A creepy story but I did not feel terrified enough. I felt like something was way off. The large and bulky paragraphs were off putting. I think shorter paragraphs would work much better.

Also, the words seemed to be limp which is bad for a short story because your words must take on deeper meaning. I'd suggest less words and more cut off phrases like, "Every noise sent shivers down her spine. The darkness almost swallowed her...Suddenly there was a whisk of wind and a faint scratching noise,"

I also don't like the choppiness of your descriptions. Your sentences and details and ideas are all overly repetitive. Like the scratching and the sentence structure and the bear is the protector. It all gets old fast. Try changing it up with sentence structure and find other ways to say the same thing.

Another thing that bugged me was the shifting of viewpoints. Wouldn't it not be better if you kept it entirely from the girl's point of view? Like a ghost whispering around the house? It would also help explain the mysterious monsters and why Ruru draws evil to him. Is the bear cursed by a previous owner? Is the bear a demon beacon? Is it an evil demon in disguise? Is it a demon at all? Why does he draw the monsters to his owners? It's all just way too vague and confusing. But you have to give us more of a clue what is going on.

And I'd say cut out a lot of the mother worrying stuff and focus more on the night and the monsters and where the girl ended up. This could help with the creepiness aspect which you need to work on. Just think about what works and focus on connecting your audience with the girl and mother and make it more scary. It's a good story base though. You just need to work further through it.

almost 5 years ago Emilee Winter said:

Wow! This is amazing. I love the steadily building suspense throughout the whole thing and how you wrote it from different perspectives. Your interpretation of the prompt was genius.

There were some grammar errors in this. However, I don't think you're allowed them because this is considered your final entry so changing it could cause disqualification. (You probably already know, I just wanted to make sure because I would hate to see such an outstanding piece disqualified). Maybe after the contest you can change them. First of all, in the second sentence, I don't think sanitary is the right word. Maybe you meant sanctuary? I still think the word choice there could be improved. Also, some ways down, there was a word that didn't have a space. Nothing major there. Lastly, be sure that you are actually writing out the numbers. Don't start out a paragraph with '6'. You actually have to spell it out. That's the same with twenty-five. You can leave 911 as it is though, since that's a phone number.

Once again, you did an amazing job with this. It just needs to be read through on more time. You captured the emotions perfectly and I love the mystery aspect of it. Really great work! ♥