1 chapter / 500 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read


My short story for the Patterson Contest.
In a world where androids are slaves to humans and where relationships between androids and humans are strictly forbidden, Aiden King has fallen for an android, Rebecca.

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almost 3 years ago Coral Vaci said:



about 3 years ago Anne Magee said:

Love this!!!


Maskman19 (l)

over 4 years ago Tem D'Mindu said:

'instability and lack of true emotions' - this describes certain kinds of sociopathy in humans, and would outlaw sex toys as well, not to mention being grossly unethical.

Moreover, what possible moral justification would allow Androids (why'd you lower-case it? Aiden at least seems to not care about the class difference) to be stock-built as forbidden fruit? (Incidentally - I'd change 'every guy's dream girl' to 'everyone's dream girl'. On top of everything else, does this take place in a strictly heterosexual world?)

It's a problem when the first two paragraphs have huge gaping holes in them. And you invented a slave race.

'when an android is thinking extremely hard' - 'under heavy processing... or emotional loads'. (You should be using more tech jargon than you are.)

'I'd, probably just a heavy fine' - fix.

'saying the last word like an expletive...' - your slave race is a self-loathing slave race?

'hardwired to be emotionless' - do you understand what 'hardwired' means? I can't think of a way to stimulate thought and then repress emotions through a hardwired solution, that couldn't be easily circumvented (look up 'DRM circumvention' for an example, if you every rewrite this).

Plus, 'lack of true emotions' and 'emotionless' don't mean the same thing. For example, we can say a pet 'lacks true emotions' from a human perspective, but to call it 'emotionless' is inaccurate.

I also don't like how Aiden's acting here. He seems to be goading her into emotions (love), and in a way that's not dissimilar to a guy getting someone to 'put out'. You might even call him 'demanding' or 'possessive'. (Again, my suggestion would be to follow 'DRM circumvention' - he's responsible for overriding a laughably simple prevention method.)

I think you're underestimating Science Fiction a little, using it as a justification for her flashing (strobing?) eyes. The only thing making this sci-fi at all is that she's an android rather than a 'monster' (paranormal) or a fantastic race (fantasy) - which is a long way of saying that the story needs more setting than it has and that it's too big for 500 words.

So, I strongly recommend that the next time a 1200 word contest comes up, you rewrite this for that (if you don't just do so for your own amusement - in that case, there's enough here to shoot for 6-7000). There's some good meat here, but you've got too much ground to cover for 500.

(However, this is a good Dystopia, strictly judging from how laughable the laws appear to be. Though I probably seemed to be mocking you earlier, I'm also aware of how easy the rules make it for this government to legally sweep away 'undesirables' and 'perverts' - insert your favorite slur here. My suggestion is to play this up in a future version.)

Hope this helps. Good luck!


almost 5 years ago Kaitlin Travis said:

While I totally love the concept of forbidden love, especially in unique twists such as yours, I do feel the need to mention that the explanation to be had about the android and human love being forbidden could have been more cleverly worked than just outright explained. It should be weaved into the story. I think my favorite line in your piece may have also been the most simplistic: "She feels. I can see it in her eyes." However, you sort of contradicted yourself. Originally you said, Rebecca would have been crying if androids could, and then later on it is stated that her eyes were wet. Maybe I missed the connection? Maybe that was explained and I missed it. Its possible. Aside from the noted I have made about development, I truly enjoyed reading it. Thank you for giving me the chance. :)