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Approximately 3 minutes to read
A girl misunderstands a situation which leads to a lifetime of regret.
almost 4 years ago Amanda Tracey said:
almost 4 years ago J. Li said:
The descriptions were absolutely perfect in this, I felt like I was practically in the scene with the narrator.
almost 4 years ago Sophie Anne said:
I agree very chilling. I loved how you could take something that seemed innocent and transform it into something else. I especially loved you descriptions. From the beginning I could easily picture things without being overwhelmed, great job!
almost 4 years ago Maya said:
Again, everything's been pointed out. But, this was haunting and it chilled me to the bone. I was shuddering when I read this. Fantastic story, you truly captured the scene.
almost 4 years ago Alice Grove said:
The idea of this story was really good, but it needs a bit of work. Everything moves too fast and gets a bit confusing. I foyu slow it down and add a little more description into it, it should be really good. Try and describe the settings a bit more, though, and where this is all taking place. At first I thought that it was at one of those holiday lodge places, but that seems too close to civilization for wolves. If you just add a bit more description in it should be fine.
almost 4 years ago Silver Script said:
Disclaimer: **WARNING: CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM! These are simply opinions to help you improve as a writer!**
I agree with Rose, I like your details. But your story needs a bit more basis. You paced it a little to fast for my liking and it could just use some buffering.
I think this story needs more of a mature feel to it. Some things you overlooked:
Ayala was running to the cliff, then she turned around. She can't just flip around mid-run. May want to add in her slowing to a stop.
Her fall. She would have been at the bottom of the cliff by the time Peter shot the wolves if she started falling when you said she did. Maybe re-write so she's only on the edge, then the gunshots scare her or something.
Her emotion shifts aren't logical. She goes from horrified to scared, logical. BUT. She goes from scared to relieved too... Fast. Emotions really don't flip like switches, they're gradual changes. Might want to touch on that...
Peter carried her into the cabin. Wolves do not attack people unless aggravated. And they will NOT go into a home, no matter what, if it is being actively lived in and there are humans in the home. Wolves are perfect examples of "More scared of you than you are of them".
Victor makes sense, he was covered in blood. Fine. But I think your trying too hard to play "The Grey". The only reason they were factually right, are wolves are very territorial and those guys were stranded out in the middle of nowhere. But even if your cabin was right next to the pupping den, the wolves wouldn't enter it. So you may want to fix that..
Also, didn't Peter kill the wolves? Scouts in packs usually run miles ahead of the rest of the pack, so that wasn't very logical either...
I did like your ending. (But your description doesn't really fit...)
I hope your not angry with me for that. It's an honest review, and I'm a wolf fanatic. So.
Anywhoo. Good luck in writing!