When In Paris

When In Paris

5 chapters / 8057 words

Approximately 40 minutes to read

Description:

ON HOLD... Ariana learns Paris is far more than the City of Love. In a story full of betrayal, unexpected twists, and action, a young girl struggles for her revenge on the agency and man she once laid her life down for. The very same man struggles to hold up a stoney facade and forget the green-eyed beauty that he believes has fallen due to his own hands, until he finds out that she may not be gone after all... Has some mature scenes and language, read at your own discretion. Remarkable cover is by the one and only Kiara Marie.

Genres:

Drama, Romance, Action

Comments(53)

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over 3 years ago Katarina Thurston said:

I read chapter one and it's an incredible start. I really wasn't expecting that :O I loved the character Rick. The way he acts around Ariana during the first part is surely just a taster of what is to come. He is chilling. A really intriguing introduction. Hopefully I can read more soon :)

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over 3 years ago Samuel Jickels said:

I liked that you constantly kept me on my toes when I read this, I always wanted to know what happened next and what was to become of the characters.

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over 3 years ago E. A. Kienzle said:

Yes! I love the new first chapter. I think it adds depth to their characters and keeps the suspense going. Awesome job! :D

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over 3 years ago Serena Grace said:

Nice update!!!

Reviews(29)

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over 3 years ago E. A. Kienzle said:

This will be a review as I read it the first time. :)

||CHAPTER TWO||

Question: why does the pilot ask questions? Usually pilots, in big organizations like the IAP assumedly, are just tools, and for their sake and the sake of the organization, they don't always know what the whole plan is. But, you could put a twist on it and make the pilot more important. It'd be interesting!

Another question: what's the age difference between Rick and Ariana (did I ask this before? I can't remember)? I keep imagining Rick as this BA-middle-aged-evil-James-Bond, and then Ariana as like, 18. It throws me off because I don't know if I should be rooting for this romance or not??

I would have Rick "concentrate on the missions ahead" by actively pulling out materials related to the missions. It's incredibly hard to mentally pull yourself away from something... to only *think* of something else.

What is the "longest time" to be in the IAP? Also, wouldn't Ariana be more suspicious with the 2nd in command being her partner when she was so new?

I want to see more reasons for Rick's doubts about the meeting with the General. The mission WAS a success, so I would think that Rick's only worry would be that the General saw straight through to his feelings for Ariana, maybe?? Or is there something else we don't know?

Doesn't everybody knock three times? And wouldn't there be technology (security camera/fingerprint/eye scan) to identify him?

All I could read was "it was carpeted with paintings" and I was like wut. I wonder if you can rearrange that wording at all?

Hmm, why IS the mute woman at the door? Interesting...

Why would Rick "note" that the office was small and comfortable? Wouldn't he have been in that office before then? Maybe Rick had a favorite decoration or maybe Rick always hated this one painting that the General loved. I'd like to see those details!

Ooh, new character!

Wait. Why would the General so willingly give up his position? I don't trust that man! People in power never like giving that up.

Wow! I really like how Rick is developing, but I'd still like to see some more details, maybe things that trigger short memories? Plus I'm super intrigued by this new character who can't talk - I wonder how they'll communicate! Great work on this, I'm still hooked to see what happens next! :)

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over 3 years ago E. A. Kienzle said:

Okay, here's the first review! :) I'll be writing as I re-read, so that will be the general flow.

||CHAPTER ONE||

Your first paragraph has a lot of bland description. You have a good start when you talk about the lights, but using words like "breathtaking," "magnificent," and "beautiful" make it an abstract image instead of concrete. Talk about the lights themselves - maybe they look older than she expected, maybe some are burnt out, or talk about the structure, the metalwork, or talk about the atmosphere - the tourists, the shops.

Rick's introduction is forced, and I feel like there should be more interaction to balance with his description. Maybe she asks him if he's ever been to Paris before, or at least the Eiffel Tower, maybe then he shrugs and that's when she points out his muscle and no-nonsense attitude. Maybe that's when he realizes she's stalling because she's afraid (there are other cues for fear besides The Almighty Eyes).

Also, how close are Rick and Ariana? When you say "she had discovered this over the time she had been with Rick," is this kind of thing reciprocal? How well can she read Rick's behavior? You don't have to specify that here, of course, but it's something to keep in mind throughout all of their interactions.

What makes his hands masculine? These kinds of descriptions can be improved if you point out specifics: scarred, calloused, muscled, all of the above.

Why does she only just smell the little food shop once she's facing Rick?

Please don't tell your reader "you almost had to do whatever this mysterious man told you." People with authority have that kind of tone in their voice, and unless it's a supernatural ability, it's unnecessary and redundant. As a reader, I really want to be in the scene with these characters, not these characters + author.

Why does her realization come after she already nods to "are you ready?" This question should prompt all sorts of doubts if she's really not ready for whatever's to happen, and it's only when he takes her arm that she can have an "oh, crap!" moment.

I wouldn't say "frantic behavior" because she's not outwardly frantic. Anxious, yes, but that's a mental thing. Behavior is any kind of action, and right now, she's just following the leader. And if she does normally panic, like you say, then what does Rick do to calm her down? If they've worked together as much as this hints at, then Rick should know exactly how to keep Ariana focused and steady.

Biting your lip is usually done at the same time as having crazy thoughts, so biting her lip wouldn't save her from thinking them.

"about a dozen or so" -- just cut the "or so" since the "about" already tells you it's not exact

WHERE IS THE BODY LANGUAGE, THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS?!?! "Rick nodded." That's all I get?!? I am craving more interaction between these two! They ARE partners, aren't they? Even mentors/trainees have a stronger sense of reliance on each other than these two. It sounds like Ariana is totally alone in the world (there's no mention of any family so far, nor even any other friends, except for some vague "everybody"), so Rick right now is her only support and encouragement. Where's the support and encouragement?! I need more than "a touch of warmth" to know that he's there for her, or at least acting like he's there for her.

There's nothing more normal than a tourist caressing an international landmark and then suddenly walking away? I'd have her stall her a bit longer to lessen the suspicion. Maybe when she looks for Rick, she can see him immediately, so that's what triggers her hurriedly looking for him.

"The words on...Security" - That's only one word? Just make it: "The word on the men's shirts caught her attention. Security." to keep it short and sweet.

I don't think guards would be frantic (I think you love that word!)? Security guards, if they really do see a threat, would more likely want to keep the situation calm and direct the suspect somewhere they could speak freely, so that the public doesn't spazz.

scrolled [through] his contacts

No spy, or whatever Rick is, would have their secret company be a contact in their phone. What if the phone was stolen? It's probably built to blow up, but still. Even a glance at it. I'd think the main contact could be some woman's name with the same initials or something.

OMG, WHATTTTTTTTT. As a French minor, my heart is breaking. Where is Rick when this happens? That is a huge structure, and that wouldn't simply go down straight and easy like planned demos, so he'd have to be pretty far away.

Okay. Um. I don't need to know the plans for the rest of the story? Plus I've read enough to know that when any villain says "the plan is foolproof" IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T! Also, why does Rick believe in this plan? Does IAP have the organization and stability to "fix" the world? What's the motivation behind the IAP? Nothing is more cheesy than a villain who admits to trying to "take over the world" in the first chapter. Maybe have Rick think about just the next mission, maybe hint that there'll be more than one, but don't talk about taking over the world yet. We want to see that!

SO! This start is awesome and I'm super intrigued and I can't wait to find out what happens to both Rick and Ariana. Does Ariana become the sole person to be able to stop the IAP? Does Rick go look for Ariana? Great work! I think there's a lot to be fleshed out, but that's why this is only the first chapter. Yay! :D