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Approximately 8 minutes to read
over 3 years ago Pixie Dust said:
I honestly don't have anything to critique! You did an amazing job!
almost 4 years ago Angieee said:
Wow! This story was just so unexpected. Who knew she was gonna end up at her boss's house, and I especially love all the imagery. You could picture everything that happened in the story, because your detail was very well written. Great Job! Please write more to this. I wanna know what happens when he's sober. Does he apologize, does he keep flirting...? Let me know...
almost 4 years ago Cait Cher said:
Yup. Kids, don't drink because it does crazy shit to you. Anyway, I loved the suspense and the description to this story.
almost 4 years ago WaitingForMoonlight said:
I really enjoyed this! It was quite interesting and the characters were good! I liked the way that her memory didn't come back until closer to the end! Nicely done! :)
almost 4 years ago Melinda said:
Noticed just a couple spelling changes you might want to look at;
A spout of pain bloomed from the top OF my scalp.
His receding dark hair was MATTED on his head with perspiration.
Put the words that I changed in bold. Those are all I noticed though. A good read and not easy to predict.
almost 4 years ago R A Black said:
I was still gliding across the crosswalk - I don't think this sentence flows quite right, finishing on at feels clumsy. While the context becomes clearer, it's never really stated what it is. I think you can keep the same hazy, not quite sure what happened atmosphere while still being a bit clearer.
I love your language choice, and the indivudual sentences generally flow quite well, but I found the piece over all quite disjointed and hard to follow. Initally when the character is talking about having to wear a mask and pretend to be happy with people asking questions, it feels like they are talking about being disabled in someway and having to deal with the sort of well meaning but infuriating reaction people tend to have when your life changes in such a way. However she doesn't appear to be injured seriously if she can get out of bed and wander around the appartment.
The interaction between the girl and her boss is very interesting and well written, but I think it could do with more, it feels like the story ends quite abrubtly. The wife's death seems to have little to do with the story beyond giving him a reason to be drunk.
I'm not sure why, but I thought the narrator was male to begin with. Can't explain why they come across as masculine to me, but they do.
Overall, I did really like this, I think my critiscism mostly comes down to I'd loved to have read more of it.