2 chapters / 2628 words

Approximately 13 minutes to read


Harley Lane was your description of 'Plain Jane'. She was overweight with mud-brown hair, and dark green eyes. She wasn't the best looking either. When she discovers she has to lose weight or she dies, she goes on a journey that really exposes who she is as a person, and what she's like when she's crushing on someone.



almost 5 years ago Lee Ryder said:

Very interesting. I have never read anything like this before. I think this has potential. :)


almost 5 years ago R A Black said:

Interesting premise. Very different to most things I read. I was worried the doctor was going to say cancer, which is such a cliche these days!


almost 5 years ago Amy Ong said:

Aww. I feel so bad for the main character. I love your plot. It's super interesting, and I think it really reflects our modern world well.

Hope is the thing with feathers

almost 5 years ago .M.A.R.S. said:

Ahhhh, I wanted more! I love the idea of an obesity disease, and I can really feel for her, being about 200 pounds myself. I would love to know when the next part is written, so that I can really enjoy this. My only complaint is that the prologue has weird wording in it that makes it sorta awkward to read. Other than that, I really enjoyed this and can't wait to read more!:)



almost 5 years ago Natalie Shields said:

Nice work!

A few critiques: You need to vary up your sentence length and type. Readers tend to get bored if you have sentence after sentence that read just like the ones before them. Sometimes short is good. Sometimes long is the way to go.

Another thing I suggest is going back over your work and becoming aware of where you're repeating a word too often. You say some words twice in one sentence, and that can get annoying. Despite what your English teachers have told you, it's okay to say "it" sometimes!

Your dialogue is very real, and I love it. That appears to be your strength, so I suggest using more of it to fuel your story.

Good story. A little editing, and it could be a great story!