A Life Not Lost

A Life Not Lost

1 chapter / 2832 words

Approximately 14 minutes to read

Description:

The TRUE STORY of the short yet purposeful life of my little sister Emily. It's my testimony.

Comments(16)

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about 3 years ago EC Nielsen said:

First of all- I am so very sorry for your family's loss. But I just wanted to say that Emily Elizabeth is my mom's name ♥

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over 4 years ago Alex M. Stache said:

Sorry for the late swap, but here it is: I'm glad you got something out of it, your sister has taught you so much in so little time and I'm glad to know she is still affecting you. I'm sorry for your family's loss though. This is a heartbreaking story and it was very engaging. There are a couple paragraphs I would love to move around and sentences I would like to rearrange. Most of it is great, I especially love the first and last paragraphs. Amazing job.

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over 4 years ago Pixie Dust said:

This is so sad!

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over 4 years ago Tina Kia said:

Wow, this is very sad, but heartwarming. I like how you showed that your sister DID have a positive effect on your family after all. She was a blessing :) Well done.

Reviews(2)

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over 4 years ago Erika Beebe said:

Hi Melonie, I read your piece and it is really moving.I have two big suggestions. The first one, I think you should switch your paragraphs and begin with the action. For example in your opener, and this is totally just something to consider: I named her… It would be cool if you interrupted with internal dialogue. “Emily Elizabeth,” I remembered chiming in. “Why,” mom asked. “Because. She’s famous. She’s in a movie.” They bought it.

Keep pushing the plot forward with as much action as you can. Second suggestion: there are points where you make the connection for the audience and then you describe the detail. I would stick with the detail and let us figure out the mystery of her lungs…For example…as you can probably deduce…and then you go on to say…her lungs were underdeveloped.

Stick with the action in the next part. I remember scrubbing down before I could see her. Go on with the details…did you clean your hands tell they were raw?

Next paragraph, I would start with a tight opener…every day was a roller coaster. Then go into the doctor dialogue.

I would make the visit to Emily more of a mystery to keep us going. Such as…One day, something different happened. We will want to know what broke the routine.

I wonder if there is another place to fit in a comparison between the Catholic church and meeting Pastor Mike. They are so separate and right now where the church fits in, it’s sort of dangling on its own.

With the nightmare, get us more into the feeling. I woke up gasping for breath, wondering where I was…xyz

The paragraph where we learn Emily died. I would start with the bottom of that paragraph. That part is really great...”mom, what is this?” You pull the reader right in. There’s a mystery. We’ll want to figure out the mystery.

I love how you end it. Talking about the reason you wanted to write the story. Maybe you can start with…Today, everything has changed. My dad…he doesn’t do xyz…My mom, she does XYZ. And me?

This is a really great story and I hoped I helped. Thank you for asking me to read it and letting us all in to a huge glimpse of your life. Erika

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over 4 years ago Scarlett Rosalie Mikaelson said:

Speechless. I'm absolutely speechless. This was so beautiful. I'm sorry about your sister, but I praise you and your family for accepting Christ.