The Lost

The Lost

4 chapters / 5187 words

Approximately 26 minutes to read

Description:

Nobody chooses to be born.

Comments(17)

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over 4 years ago Twilight Stevens said:

I agree with the comment below most definitely. You have great description and your structure is brilliant. Very well written, I loved it :)

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over 4 years ago Hillary Holloway said:

I only read chapter one but it was really good. It kind of reminds me of The Hunger Games, with the manipulative president and starving country.

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over 4 years ago L. Alsabti said:

Interesting. Stay genuine to the plot.

Darth revan

over 4 years ago Curtis Roux said:

So this is quite an interesting story so far. I like it. I've read the 1st 2 chapters & will read the 3rd sometime soon. I found 1 mistake though, well not really a mistake. Near the end of chapter 2 you have the word 'they' used like 'THey'. A simple typo that I do all the time lol XD

Keep it up :)

Reviews(3)

Whitetiger

over 4 years ago A.J. Cypher said:

BEFORE

Good job dropping the reader right into the action.

‘these things… where he stayed’ this sentence sounds awkward

further = farther

Capitalize ‘president’

‘extinguish those of our unhealthy’ just say ‘extinguish the unhealthy’

So this sounds like a prologue to me, you know? Unless the you intend for the President to be your MC, which I hope not, because he’s annoying -_- which I’m sure you intended, which is great, because it worked. I think this is a prologue, but I would make that clear. Also, I suggest reading this allowed. It doesn’t flow very well, despite the nice tension and good job setting up the conflict, and I think reading out loud might help you to fix that.

FOILED

O.o it’s like you’re a different writer. This flows so much better.

‘middle of the building, that went straight to the top’ no comma

‘shuddered in fear…there was only one thing’ period instead of ellipses.

‘black like polished river stones’ THANK GOD YOU DIDN’T SAY NIGHT. Seriously. Unique description there, I liked it.

‘her last words’ take out ‘last’

‘heart was beating against his rib cage’ ribcage is one word

‘though in reality, it had only been forty-five minutes or so.’ We don’t need to know how long it took exactly, and the fact that you said ‘seemed to take hours’ implies that it really didn’t take that long anyways. So I’d just take that part out.

How did the knife glitter in the darkness?

‘could see her form shift defensively’ defensively? Why is she defensive?

‘pulling her younger brother into an embrace’ I’d say ‘him’ instead of ‘younger brother’. For some reason, to me, ‘younger brother’ makes it sound like the story shifted to her POV.

‘along the cool wall, as he stumbled towards the staircase’ no comma

‘and using his right hand’ take out ‘hand’

So, like most people, including myself, you tend to put commas before ‘ands’. It’s not incorrect, but what I’ve noticed in my own writing recently is that it can really make a difference in the flow and sound of the sentence if I do have one or not. I suggest going back through and noting all the places where you do. Read the sentence with a comma and without one, and see which way you like better.

‘the brass door knob’ doorknob is one word.

‘outside of his brothers room’ brothers = brother’s

‘but in the darkness, he could still see’ no comma

Eh, I don’t know about being able to see that bottle of sleeping medicine from the doorway in the dark.

‘in his left hand’ don’t need ‘left’

‘took a step into his brothers room’ brothers = brother’s

‘Lights flooded from the small space, and a net fell from the ceiling’ here’s an example of what I was saying. I wonder if this would be better without the comma.

‘and she held in in a staggeringly’ I think one of those ‘ins’ is supposed to be ‘him’

Those cuts wouldn’t scab that quickly. It’s been like what, an hour?

‘slipping through his fingers, like sand’ no comma

‘the architecture as dreadful as it was’ comma after architecture

‘calmed in in some way’ first in = him

‘he whispered in his ear’ he = she? Or his = her?

‘stairs spiraled upwards, too’ take out ‘too’

‘a person’s downfall…literally’ comma or period instead of ellipses

‘Josephine’s hand broke free of hers’ hers = his

Wow. I like Josephine. That was a surprise ending. I expected something to stop him from dying of course, and I even wondered if Jo might be involved, but I did not expect that! And now I’m reeeeally curious about the next chapter.

Overall this was very well written. It flowed nicely and the descriptions were great. I got a good feeling for both of your characters, but they were a little flat altogether. But this was just the first chapter, and it takes time to build them, which I’m sure you’ll do in the next couple of chapters. Nice work!

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over 4 years ago Alex Epicness said:

I looked back at your dialogue! I still found a couple that need to be fixed in the first chapter:

-"Twenty-seven minutes(,)" (h)e continued...

-"Four days(,)" (s)he whispered...

-"He's not asleep yet(,)" Josephine answered...

-"It's time(,)" (s)he said...

-"I'll never do those things to you(,)" Zachary whispered...

-"Be careful(,)" (s)he warned...

-"You did it(,)" (s)he whispered...

-"It'll be okay(,)" (s)he whispered...

-"I don't know(,)" (s)he admitted...

That's all I found! So, you did fix some of them, but not all of them! You'll get the hang of it soon! Good job! (:

~Alex