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Approximately 4 minutes to read
There was always a difference between giving up and having courage though the line resided in a grey area.
almost 4 years ago Garima Gupta said:
The emotions and descriptions in this were breathtaking! I seriously don't have words to describe this. Just beautiful.
about 4 years ago Elfinmox said:
I like it. A lot. I can relate to the MC a lot. The imagery is great, I can see everything in my head. The writing is wonderful. I love it. :)
about 4 years ago taylor anne said:
A good piece. I felt like having more of a back story on the character would have been helpful, but if that's not what you were going for, don't sweat it. Your imagery was beautiful and really captivating. Keep writing!
about 4 years ago Hillary Holloway said:
This is very well-written. Your descriptions are great. I'd like to know what the main character did that she thought was so terrible.
about 4 years ago LoveMeNot said:
I’m going to start off by saying that I even though this is meant to improve your writing, I am not going to bother with any spelling and/or grammar correction—as they are a waste of time and can be easily avoided by simply looking over your work. (Which, by the by, I believe you had little to none). And also, my usual style of reviewing consists of relating to the author what I understood from the story and my reaction to it, while being polite yet not overly sugar-coaty. However, in this case I’m going to make suggestions and say what I would do to improve in your place—again, in effort to provide constructive criticism. I’m very much against using one’s personal preference to judge someone else’s work because it’s wrong and usually isn’t helpful at all. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, make of it what you will.
Anyway, here it goes. From the beginning the narrator sets a desolate, semi-melodramatic tone that continues throughout the rest of the short. The girl is committing suicide, while making justifications for it through her “inner harmony” with nature.
I thought the emotions were delivered skillfully and were well-thought out. There were times where I thought the word choices were a bit awkward, and even a little confusing. One example would be; “My skin tingles with every wave of chilling salt”. (The extensive description—as a whole--was admirable, but using the words “chilling salt” didn’t quite click. (to me, anyway)
“My eyes burned because of the tears I couldn’t shed”. In this case I would have preferred *My eyes burned with the tears I couldn’t shed*Somehow, the sentence sounds more natural.
Also, there are numerous instances where the narrator suggests past events that *might* be important to the story, but never actually talks about it. “I could feel my memory becoming more vivid”, “Staying here was no longer an option but there was nowhere to go outside of this island…couldn’t deal with the consequences of staying.” I guess what I mean to say is that I was looking for a legitimate—not necessarily specific—reason for this girl to be doing what she was doing. She was obviously desperate and miserable but throughout the entire time I was reading this I just kept asking myself why.
All in all, I feel like you achieved your goal of showing true despair and hopelessness. I wouldn’t have liked a little bit information, and I suggest playing with the words a little bit to hear/feel what they’re actually saying. Hope you found this helpful!
about 4 years ago Katie Miller said:
Hey! Just a warning, I am an extremely thorough reviewer. :)
- The first sentence is a great hook. It immediately put a hundred questions in my head as to what she sees when she looks in her reflection, but I do think the first sentence seems it bit redundant by saying "my" and "me". Try saying "I stood upon the shore and glared at the reflection that shone back at me." It's kind of implied that it is yours, especially going into the next sentences.
- The part where you talk about the new color as symbolic to a different type of feeling, is very believable. Often we don't understand what we feel, we just feel an alternate perspective...and it's not until years later that we actually understand, looking back on it.
- The notion of the relationship between the narrator and nature is very symbolic and the imagery is amazing. We do get entranced in the familiar, in things that we know. Each thing we do effects the environment around us, wether it's our friends or it's "nature".
- This is so unique! Almost every lyrical story is overwhelmed with a cliche thought of "death" or "sorrow" but rarely do you ever see one on the topic of guilt. And the way you've described it (I guess you're not really describing, you're using imagery, which is SO much better) is absolutely perfect.
- "I felt a tear streak down my face, the crack in my unbreakable dam." That is by far my favorite line. Amazing. You are quite an eloquent writer, you've just got an act for sentence structure and it turns out phenomenal.
- This makes so much sense. She's heading into the water, thinking that theres no other place to go, because the island terrifies her. She can't even grasp that there may be places beyond, because she so bogged down by her unsurmountable guilt.
- Sometimes it's easier just to give in. Just to let someone else take control. I see this concept subtly peeking through.
- Wow. Just wow. This is amazing. And I think this a very believable concept. Many people think that if they ignore everything or just end it all, they will find peace, but really they just create more destruction. I could feel your narrater's tention and anxiety rising and rising. It felt so natural! Bravo! I am so envious right now. :D
- On one last note. I do feel like it ended a bit abruptly. Maybe one more short paragraph showing her new guilt would be good...Just a suggestion. :DDDDD Amazing.
- HAPPY WRITING!