The Artist

The Artist

7 chapters / 15814 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

*In Progress* Thrae has never been outside Kingdom. It's a place without freedom and she can't get out since it's guarded by 1000 guards. And, like every other person over the age of 16, her face is painted with a permanent paint so if she does escape everyone knows where she's from. Thrae is what they call an Artist, she paints peoples faces. When she paints the princesses face, things go wrong. The princess isn't satisfied and now the king is trying to imprison Thrae without breaking his own laws. The only 2 people who will talk to her is her little brother Paxton, and Prince Rylan - who will do anything to ensure she escapes safely.
(I know I already used the name "Thrae" in "The Parallel War" but I'm using it again so this has no relation to that story)

Genres:

Dystopian, Drama, Novel

Comments(26)

Socca

over 3 years ago Vial Mess said:

IN LOVE. PLEASE UPDATE. ~A

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over 3 years ago Jade Green said:

*Hemhem* T'would be appreciated if you'd finish this. Please.

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about 4 years ago Julie Wolf said:

I've been waiting a while - it would be great if you would write more of this! I'm guessing you either have writer's block or are on vacation. If you have writers block - work through it! This is too good to let it go!!

Penguins

about 4 years ago Ashley <3 said:

I LOVE THIS STORY, LIKE SERIOUSLY LOVE IT

Reviews(9)

Large (22)

over 3 years ago peleus said:

The Artist by Ala

As always, these are my opinions, and I am no expert. I’m giving you this feedback in order to help you improve your piece. If you don’t like it, don’t use it. If you want me to explain something, message me and I’ll give it my best shot :)

[] = things I’ve changed

() = things I’m confused about/want to draw your attention to

{} = things I’m take out

Alright. Time to get down to it.

PITCH: - “[Patrolled by 1000 guards, it’s a place without freedom].” I’m not super into my edit, either. It just sounds a little awkward. Perhaps make it more vague, take out either half of the sentence, the stat about the guards or the description of freedoms. Don’t keep both. You can introduce the one you take out in the actual piece.

- In general, avoid using the word ‘since’ as a synonym for ‘because’ - it just doesn’t sound mature.

- “{And, like every other person over the age of 16,} her face is painted with a permanent [pattern] [just like every other person of age,] [which would make her life outside of the Kingdom impossible].” If you keep your sentence, this is how I would edit it, “{And,} [just] like every other person over the age of [sixteen], her face is (painted) with a permanent (paint)[,] so if she [did] escape[,] everyone [would know] where she’s from.” I recommend changing ‘paint’ or ‘painted’ to eliminate some of the repetition.

- “Thrae is {what they call} an Artist[.] She paints [people’s] faces.”

- “...things go wrong.” Meh. I think you should reword this to be more vague, to keep the main conflict a bit more underwraps...maybe just a little more complex. Change it to something like, “...things don’t go as planned,” or “...things start to fall apart.”

- I would then cut out everything else after that sentence. It would make it more mysterious and intriguing. I do like the idea that you have laid out by the pitch, though, it sounds interesting and I look forward to reading it. But as far as the quality of the pitch goes, it’d be better without it, in my opinion.

CHAPTER ONE - For the first sentence, I would eliminate the apostrophes around the words ‘painted’ and ‘Artist’ - doing so makes it seem stronger and more set in stone.

- “...and become a [person’s] identity.”

- I would put a dash in front of the “The Book of Law…” line, because I didn’t know what that was referencing at first. There was little indication that the quote was from the Book of Law...eh. But I could just have been dense. You kept it italicized so do what you want. I figured it out eventually.

- I immediately like it. I can clearly imagine the scene and the emotions involved. You did a good job with this introduction (talking first three lines). Very nice.

- “‘Okay,’ I sigh,’[finished].’” I don’t think that ‘finished’ is supposed to be capitalized here.

- “...at her mother {who is} standing in the corner…”

- “...[her] mother is not paying any attention…”

- I’m not a huge fan of the tense that you’ve chosen, but you’ve probably put a lot of thought into it, or this is your personal favorite. It just isn’t mine. No big.

- “[She] seems so squeamish, [as if tapping her would make her scream.]” Although perhaps using the term ‘tapping’ in this phrase is not the best choice…

- “Mom[,]” the daughter…”

- “The woman finally takes a break from [dissecting] my studio and faces her daughter.”

- “It takes a moment for her to react, but [then] her [jaw] drops and she gasps {at the sight}.” The reader can assume that she’s reacting only to the image, you don’t need to say so.

- “She stays like this for [a drawn out moment], her mouth agape and twitching {in mid air}[,] as if trying to remember how to speak.” I think that giving a period of time a clear cut length takes away form of the fluidity of the sentence...it makes me try to think of how long that really is, it takes me out of the piece, if only for a moment. I do think that using a singular form is fine, though, for some reason. I guess because we use ‘just a second/minute’ a lot to mean more than an actual single second/minute. Also, her mouth isn’t twisting ‘in midair’ - it’s still firmly connected to her face, yes? I actually imagined her mouth popping off of her face and moving around, just floating there. It was weird in my head for a second.

- “‘Oh, honey!’ [she] [finally] cries out…”

- “...beneath her [revealing] [jet-black] dress…”

- “She’s nervous.” Mm. On one hand, this is telling instead of showing. You’re telling the reader exactly what’s going on, you’re not letting them figure it out on their own. A good example of this would be your choice to describe the mother’s body fat giggling instead of just saying that she’s fat. It’s better to show than tell, usually. On the other hand, I like this because it’s a short snippet, it’s not complicated, it’s matter-of-fact. It helps me understand the solid nature of her emotions right now. Hm. Take it out or don’t, either works, I think.

- “...almost [everyone] is…”

- “The mother {must have noticed because she suddenly} runs behind her daughter and picks up the tail of the dress.”

- “Her [skin is] perfectly pale…”

- “And the dress[?] Oh, the dress is like something out of a dream.” Maybe.

- “...in the light [from] my window.”

- “This girl had always been beautiful[,] but the painting seemed to bring out [her beauty like never before].”

- “{And} her mother was right…”

- “That’s why I painted her face the way I did.” Oooh, some attitude here. Surprised me a little.

- “...fascinated by clockwork and gears[,] so I got…”

- “I love painting (Cryziliums).” I don’t understand what a Cryzilium is at this point but I’m guessing you want it that way. I like the word.

- “{All I say is,} ‘I’m glad.’” If you’re trying to show how professional/dry she is about the event, take out the first bit. It makes it harder, stronger, cleaner.

- “The [girl stops] and looks at me…” Your sentence technically means that her hand looks at the main character.

- “...dropped the [girl’s] dress…”

- “...a Lovol{,} yell at my daughter!”

- “...suddenly {becoming} curious[.]”

- “I’m sorry, what [do you mean ‘when he painted you?]” This bit seems a little slow to me. Like, she just said that he painted her face. She didn’t say a whole lot about her father, it doesn’t seem like it should be hard to remember/figure out what she said/meant. Not a big deal, just struck me as a little strange. I don’t actually think you need to change it a lot, just typin out loud here.

- I like this bit overall, though. It draws me in a little, makes me curious about her father. It seems like she is either really close to/looks up to her father or she didn’t really know him very well. Either way, I’m interested as to where it’ll go.

- “{But} I just ignore her…” It’s best to avoid starting a sentence with the words ‘and’ and ‘but.’ I also don’t exactly know why the main character’s lack of interest in Lila is important.

- “...the mother continues, ‘[but] [from the look on] your face, (I can see why you had to take over.’” I appreciate the showing instead of telling here, but I don’t know if someone would actually be able to infer this type of thing from someone’s face. I can guess from the dialogue and the narration and everything that something bad happened to her father, but if her face was just one of sadness, would the woman be able to figure it out? I don’t know. Perhaps she could say something more along the lines of, “...but I have an idea/ a feeling/ I can imagine why you had to take over.”

- “...I can see you’ve {received} your father’s gift.” Or perhaps replace it with ‘inherited’ ~ received in this sentence just sounded off to me.

- “...and takes her [mother’s] hand.”

- I like this change of character in the lady. At first I was put off by her, her snobbishness, her obvious judgement. The way that she insists on Thrae keeping the extra money in order to remodel seems like a well-intentioned, good-natured, perhaps motherly gesture. It just makes her a more likeable character, so I naturally enjoy the change.

- “‘Mom!’ {The daughter,} Lila{,} yells.”

{1,406 words}

I do really like this, and I plan on reading more. Overall, it's well-written and looks to have a lot of potential ~ I'm intrigued, which is exactly what you want from a first chapter.

I don’t do swaps - I find them a hassle to keep track of and I don’t like giving or receiving things just because we are obligated to - but I would appreciate it if you critiqued my piece “Tag” (“For You, Sarah” isn’t exactly up for critiquing at the moment, but if you’d rather read that one, by all means…). Since I approached you and you never agreed to these terms, I don’t expect it and I won’t bother you for it or anything, but if you have the time, I would really appreciate it.

If you don’t have the time to critique my piece, please drop by my profile and critique my critique! Was I too harsh, did I get something completely wrong, do you need clarification, do I need clarification, would you like me to critique anything else of yours (including more chapters), was the critique helpful or not, should I focus less on something or more on something?

Best of luck fellow figgy. Adios c;

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about 4 years ago Willow Cimorene said:

This story, in my opinion, has some amazing potential. You really did a good job fleshing out the society and the interactions between people of different ranks. The people are also well defined, however some are more so than others, making it so some characters simply seem shallow in comparison. I don't know if you did this on purpose or if it's just me, but that may be something to look into if you're interested. Otherwise, it's an amazing story! You should seriously update this, like, every day! Write more!!!