That Night

That Night

1 chapter / 1158 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Amber has one of the worst nights of her life. She doesn't know what to do or what to do or what to do with herself as she experiences an unforgettable night. Will she find out what the noises are or is it all just a figment of her own imagination?

Comments(157)

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9 months ago lukashik said:

Remove USB cable perfectly otherwise ShowBox apk file might corrupted so be careful, now you don’t need computer to install ShowBox apk on android device.

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9 months ago lukashik said:

But I love to break it to you that xender can definitely be downloaded and used on PC with the help of bluestacks.

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10 months ago David Walby said:

This is a very meaningful story

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11 months ago Alexandr Lukin said:

ShowBox program allows you to watch Hollywood movies and Serials too, TV shows which are loved to see you daily, you can explore Showbox app at every moment in every day of your life.

Reviews(36)

Figment

over 4 years ago Erika Beebe said:

Hi Laura, First of all, thank you for taking so much time and reviewing my work. I appreciate honest and kind feedback, and you're right, we can always improve, and as writers, feedback is critical to helping us get exactly where we want to go.

Your story. I love the plot. I love the MC's voice. I get a sense of how stressed she is and wanting to get sleep but her mind just won’t shut off. I also like the flow of the scene as we move through time, her thoughts and her dreams. You writing is fairly clean. I do have a few comments and suggestions to help.

In the first two paragraphs, I think you could push the suspense and really help us see how exhausted and distracted she is with a tip I recently received: the order of events as they happen and how to begin them. For example, in the first sentence…what is it that sends her gaze to every corner of the room? Does she hear something first, is her mind just wandering…I love to see you start with this idea…For example…I lay down. Something buzzed under the bed. My eyes flew open, I sat straight up and searched out my watch, the one I hoped I hadn’t left in my jeans again… Now I'm wide awake…distracted by the darkness…

Another suggestion and this is just a fleeting thought that entered my head. I think it would awesome to play up the craziness with thoughts between what she hears and what’s happening in school. For example: Something scratched along the floor… …reminding me of my pencil in calc and exactly the sound of the tip scratching across my paper...or was that my pencil scratching across my paper in calc?

There was one sentence I think needs a clarification…I felt an excruciating pain...where…I know you said her heart in the sentence before it, but what about it the moment. Her head? Her gut? Does she double over? Add just a touch of action here to create the picture.

These are completely my thoughts and I hope I helped. I very much like this piece. It's creative and real and it's something we can all relate to. I really appreciate you wanting me to read your work. Erika

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over 4 years ago Ashton Ivy Ellis said:

I like this. You toy with emotions really well and carry the reader along throughout the story. Some really good word choice, and it definitely looks like you proofread it, so good job on that. I think to improve the story is maybe give a little bit more back story, like: is there a reason why this night is so much more stressful for her than others? And with the dream, have her parents ever said anything like that? But as it stands it's a great short story.