Fatal Jeopardy

Fatal Jeopardy

4 chapters / 9707 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

Carlos Romero has the perfect life, most popular in school, best athlete, and gets every girl he wants. Until Carlos finds a strange object that gives him unusual powers, and when a suspicious character shows up in his town looking for the strange object, Carlos finds himself having to learn how to use his newly given powers to fight against a secret organization with evil intentions, to protect his loved ones.

Genres:

Action, Fantasy, Suspense

Comments(51)

F75225600dde84940c4df544560ed0de

almost 4 years ago Im Batman in disguise said:

Wow! your plot was amazing sure you had a few mistakes here and there, but I mean this was amazing! I can't believe you only made one book though I would so like you to write more books kind of like these.

17519_560612027291175_653430529_n

over 4 years ago Cait Cher said:

This is really interesting as far as plot is concerned. I saw some grammar and punctuation errors that you need to be aware of.

Fb_saki

over 4 years ago Kayla said:

Interesting. I read the first two chapters and I only spotted some minor typos/mistakes. The first chapter was a good hook and I always like school aged protagonists, so all of that was engaging. Keep writing (and sorry it took so long to return the swap)

Sdc10066

over 4 years ago Chelsea DeVries said:

The first chapter was good. Very vivid descriptions. Although, be careful not to lose your story in description because then you may lose your reader. Great job and keep working on this. :)

Reviews(22)

Figgie by christy s

almost 4 years ago Lyric Mera Brand said:

FREE READ::

I only had time for the first two chapters, but I’ll be coming back to finish the third sometime soon.!

PROLOGUE::

Normally I advise against prologues. I find them dry and unnecessary. I can’t say that in this case. I love the way you bring your reader into the action, immediately introducing them to an intense situation. I am intrigued to know what happened, why is Carlos running? Who’s chasing him?

“…my only focus was to not tumble over my own feet. As my feet slapped against…” You use the word feet very closely together in these two sentences. I’d suggest maybe change the second “feet” to “shoes” or “boots” or whatever Carlos is wearing at the time, it’ll probably flow a little better.

The paragraphs “I noticed out of the corner of my eyes…” and “A teenage boy, wearing…” could probably be combined as they’re using the same subject/action.

“I noticed out of the corner or my my eyes…” Should either be “…the corner(s) or my eyes” or “…the corner of my eye…”

I’d like to see a bit more of Carlos’s thought process, particularly when it comes to his decision to go down the alleyway. Does he hesitate at all, knowing that there would be a dead end? How does he feel when he reaches the dead end? I know he’s desperate but I want to know if he’s disgusted with himself for making such a rash move or if he’s trying to formulate some kind of plan as he looks around for another way out.

Again in the paragraph “… the agonizing pain pass through my entire face, felt the blood running down my face…” you use the word “face” pretty close together. I’d suggest changing the second use of “face” to whatever part of Carlos is bleed; his nose, his lip, his cheek.

If the men are carrying Carlos down the hallway, why are their arms wrapped around his? Wouldn’t that be more like their dragging him?

“The men had their arms wrapped under my arms…” Maybe change “my arms” to “my shoulders” or “my armpits”, as you use “arms” three times in close proximity here.

Which man hit Carlos on the back of the head? The man on the left or the man on the right? In hindsight, it doesn’t really matter, but it kind of helps me picture the scene more clearly in my head. Right now, I’m picturing both of them hitting him over the head at the same time. Also, I don’t know if I’d use “a sharp object” when Carlos says he was hit over the head. That makes me think of a knife, which would probably kill him if he was hit in the head with. Maybe say “a hard object” or “a blunt object”.

You use a pretty passive voice through most of this. I’d like to know a little bit more about how Carlos is feeling, physically as much as emotionally. Describe his heart slamming in his chest, his body shaking with adrenaline, little physical things like that will help me see Carlos’s fear.

CHAPTER ONE::

“I play football and as….” You’ve switched to present tense here.

I really like that Carlos knows what his smile does to girls and that he uses it well. I also like that he goes into explaining that the first thing he noticed when Leslie asked him out was that she was attractive. I think it’s an honest thought process for a boy, one that most authors will try to avoid using. Carlos is obviously an attractive guy who knows it, of course he’s going to want to go out with an attractive girl.

“I looked away but out of the corner of my eyes I noticed her baby blue eyes widen as she looked up at me…” Again, it should be “corner(s) of my eyes” or “corner of my eye). Also, I’d like it if you give a bit more explanation to Leslie’s dreamy look. Does her mouth open a bit? Does she smile at him kind of coyly?

“ ‘Until next time?’ I asked(,) already knowing the answer...” This should be its own paragraph. You’re changing from action to dialogue.

“ ‘Of course(,)’ Leslie replied(,) breathlessly…”

The paragraphs “I saunter down the steps…”, “I felt my phone began to vibrate…” and “I grinned and answered…” can all be combined.

“(W)hat’s up, Sean?”

“Sean wasn’t the coolest kid there was…” should be the start of a new paragraph as you’re switching from dialogue to action again. Also, it can be combined with “People always asked me…”

You get into a bit of telling during this part. The fact that people are always asking why Carlos is hanging out with Sean is something that could be shown in a later chapter instead of told now. If there’s a point where there at school, one of Carlos’s other friends could mention it at that point.

I’m actually really interested to know how Carlos thinks the date went. I’d suggest using Sean’s question to let your reader find out how Carlos felt the date went and what they did.

You start a new paragraph after “…I heard a beep issue from my…” so that “phone’s speaker…” is the start of a new paragraph. Also, “issue from my phone’s speaker” sounds a tad awkward. I’d suggest finding a different word to fit there.

“I ignore my step Father’s…” “Stepfather” is one word.

I like that Carlos doesn’t have a perfect life. It makes him deeper and more interesting as a character, gives him more conflict, knowing he kind of keeps up a fake front of “very thing’s fine”.

“…Brock asked me(,) running his hands…”

OVERALL::

You have a bit of spots, particularly when you introduce Carlos’s home life when you do more showing than telling. Your physical descriptions are very well done, but Carlos’s voice lacks emotional descriptions. I know boys generally don’t like to talk about their emotions, but it makes him more relatable if he gives us a bit here and there.

Now for what I really want to say. I loved the way you drew your reader in with action and then slowed down your pace. So far Carlos is a very well rounded character, who’s putting up a good front for a boy with a pretty bad home life. He seems like he has a lot of hidden conflicts brewing inside him and I can’t wait for them to pop out. I’m looking forward to chapter three and I hope that there’s more for you to add.

-Lyric Mera :)

Profile 2

over 4 years ago Stuck in a Cupcake said:

Complicated Girls (Part 2)-

Grammar:

"The streets were rapidly becoming dark, I could feel the cold chills of the night as my date and I walked down the now deserted streets, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders comfortingly and she responds by snuggling up to my body." the first and second commas should both be periods. Then 'responds' should be 'responded' because it's a past tense story. 'Comfortingly' disrupts the flow here, so I might just remove that. In all, I'd write this, "The streets were rapidly becoming dark. I could feel the cold chill(no s) of the night as my date and I walked down the now deserted street(no s). I wrapped my arm(no s) around her shoulders and she responded by snuggling up to my body." You could even cut 'responded by', make 'snuggling' into 'snuggled' and write it that way.

"and flashed her with one of my well known, and signature half smile that always made the girls putty between my fingers." this is just weird. Remove 'with' in the first sentence, and since 'well known' and 'signature' mean almost the same thing, you don't need both. Also, the saying is 'putty in my hands'.

"I never realized, but I soon noticed the changes in my body and figured out why the girls loved me." That seems contradictory. He never realized but soon noticed?

"I play football and as an outcome I have a pretty muscular body that the girls love, I’m Puerto Rican so I have a perfectly tanned color skin, my eyes are a nice shade of green, and my face was always freshly cut." Wow. Firstly, this says the same thing as the sentence above as far as the girls, so you might combine those somehow. Good description though. Just be careful about how cocky you make him.

I really like what comes next though, about his mom and then Sean. Those are the only two reasons I have to like him, but they are really good reasons, so amazing job with that as far as character development. Also, what does 'freshly cut' mean? Oh, and you also have your tense all off here. 'play',' have', 'love', 'have', and 'are' are all present tense words, while 'was' at the end is past. Be consistent.

"Leslie had asked me out later that day, and I couldn't help but notice that her body seemed to curve in all the right places, her hair seemed fell perfectly to her shoulders." Ok, so 'later' should be 'earlier'. And I don't know what 'her hair seemed fell' means, but I'm guessing you missed something by accident. Also, since you describe her here, move the blonde from above down here and skip it there, because it hurts your flow above but would fit here nicely. Plus, still hate him.

"Only the best for you Leslie." I replied reassuring her, I looked away but out of the corner of my eyes I could see her still looking up at me dreamily. Even though this was a brand new experience for her, I couldn't help but think to myself how many times I have been in this situation myself."

This is referring to the paragraph noted above. There should be a comma between 'you' and 'Leslie'. The comma after 'her' should be a period. Also, consider what words like dreamily mean. What did he see that made him think she was looking at him dreamily? Were her blue eyes wider than usual? What she blinking more than usual? Were her pink lips frozen in a half smiling position? What does this look like? There are two ways to describe something. Either you can give a term and make the reader create the picture, or you can create the picture, and the reader will supply the term. In my opinion, authors need to be able to use both.

I'd be careful saying that this was a new experience for her, just because she's probably had her fair share of dates too considering your description of her. Also, this would be a great time to give us a chance to know him on a deeper level. A thought in here about why he dates so many girls would help a lot. Is he looking for love, or just for a title? Is he still searching for that one girl who can see past the superficial, or is he just avoiding going home? See what I mean? You can really add a lot, by simply adding thought. (Feel free to quote me on that. :P)

"I can’t help but admit It feels like the good life, being the most popular in school, best jock, best dresser, most admired by the girls, and quite a few guys to my knowledge, at the moment everything was going for me in my favor." 'It' shouldn't be capitalized. And again, your tense is off. Since he's "reliving" his life, I might shorten this a bit. Here's what I would do.

"It definitely felt like the good life. I was popular with everyone, admired by all, and it seemed like everything was working in my favor. If only I had known what was coming." Because he's "reliving" his past, he's going to have things he'd like to change (you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20) and that's one way you can really make the audience love him early. If he feels remorse for his jerkiness, or at least thinks he would be less jerky, then I wouldn't hate him so much. But of course, your story. Maybe you don't want that kind of thing. Just a possibility.

"My date and I walked up to her front porch, she faced me and placed her hands on my chest looking up at me, she didn't need to wait another second, I knew what she wanted."There are too many commas here. Also, combine this with the sentence underneath it. Here's how I would write this, "We arrived at her house and stood on her front porch. She faced me and placed here hands on my chest, looking up at me with her innocent, brown eyes. Not too innocent though. She waited for only a second, because I knew what she wanted. I leaned down and..." You get the idea.

"I leaned down and brought me lips to hers, I put my skillful tongue in her mouth, and she melted into the kiss, I almost thought she was going to fall to the ground. I pulled my lips away and brushed a strand of hair out of her face,

"Until next time?" I asked already knowing the answer, I could guarantee she was looking forward to the next time we would go on a date." The first 'me' should be 'my'. The first comma should be a period, and I would suggest changing 'I put' into 'putting'. 'in' should be 'into'.The comma after 'kiss' should be a period. And the comma after 'face' should be a period as well. Then the second paragraph should be a part of the first. Then the comma after 'answer' should also be a period. All in all, it should read something like:

"I leaned down and brought my lips to hers. Putting my skillful tongue into her mouth, I smiled just a bit as she melted into my kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and we stayed in that position for longer than I thought we would. I pulled my lips away and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Until next time?" I asked, pretty sure I knew the answer." Then you go to her reply.

Everything Else:

Even if you're using God in a curse-form, you still need to capitalize it.

"‘With a body like this what girl could resist?’ I thought to myself smugly." I'd cut this, personally. We already know that this is basically what he thinks, so saying it explicitly is unnecessary, and I think you spend just a bit too much time talking about his body. I know I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm just thinking, get on with the plot and the almost killing him, please! :) However, if you do leave this in, combine the two into one line like I did. You currently have them separated into their own lines.

"It was only Monday and I had already been asked to go out on another date for Thursday, although I was pretty sure I would deny the request." This doesn't tell us anything new (trust me, we get that he's popular and a jerk) so you should cut it. Again, I find myself thinking, "just get on with it."

Most of your sentences begin with either I or another noun/pronoun. You might try and vary that a bit.

Alright, I'm out of time for now, but I'll pick this up where I left off. Have an amazing day!

Ali