Once Fallen, Twice Cursed

Once Fallen, Twice Cursed

1 chapter / 1179 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


Jax has been cast out of heaven and has been sent to earth to live off the rest of his days as a Vampire. He has no recollection as to why he was kicked out, all he knows is that his days are numbered. Jax doen't have long till the Fallen come for him.
Cover done by: Autumn :)

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over 4 years ago Lexi Stankewitz said:

This was awesome! I loved it! Where did you come up with the idea for this story?


over 4 years ago zuiver said:

i really like this! it's a great start :) keep working on your sentence structure, though- it'll make your story easier to read. i like that the life of a vampire isn't glamorized, especially.


over 4 years ago Elizabeth Ruddy said:

Very intriguing :) I was hooked from the very beginning!! The only thing was some spelling issues. For example it says "No one's gunna help..." Other than those, it was a great story!! I really enjoyed it

Pusheen cat

over 4 years ago Jessica Pfortmiller said:

This was a very interesting spin on Angels and vampires. You left the reader hanging a bit, but not for too long, because you explained what happens once they are cast out of Heaven at just the right time in just the right place. Brilliant writing. Brilliant! :)



over 4 years ago Paperback Butterfly said:

Hey there. You requested a swap on my wall a while ago, so I'm here to oblige.

First impressions: Cool cover, but I'm not sure if the title is meant to invoke the old saying "once bitten, twice shy" since it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense.

Opening Bits: Kind of melodramatic, which I guess is alright for this type of story. What I don't understand is why you opened up with a statement about falling when our protagonist isn't actually falling. It was a bit disorienting, so consider revising the first paragraph to include something along the lines of 'falling was the last thing I remember before I hit the ground' so we know right away what's happened and have a clear mental image of where we now are.

His heartbeat is killing him? It's deliberately (willfully, and with intent)tearing the protagonist apart in a literal way? Can you really describe a heartbeat as 'droning'? I feel like you're using words here that you don't fully understand, and the parts that do make sense I've heard a dozen times before. I KNOW you can do better than this. Your hook is the most important part of your story, so make it memorable and engaging.

Other Stuff: Is the ground made of stone, or just stone like? This is confusing.

He didn't taste the blood until he saw it? If it's because he's disoriented, you need to elaborate.

I have no idea what 'dark enough so that I can see but not burn in the sun' is supposed to mean. I also shouldn't have had to read your description to know that he's a vampire -this is something you need to introduce us to before you can start casually mentioning vampire-ey things. Also, how does he know he'll burn in the sun, but not why he was banished? Was there a course on vampirism he took at the community college in heaven?

The way you introduce the concept of vampires here feels WAY too impersonal and rushed. People don't talk like that. Also, why isn't Jax questioning any of this? He was an ANGEL until recently and has no idea why he was tossed out. Shouldn't be be crying or praying or at least reacting to the knowledge that he's now a blood-sucking demon in SOME way? He doesn't seem to have any opinion at all.

Final thoughts: This chapter feels really rushed. After reading it, I have no strong feelings toward our protagonist, and I couldn't tell you a single thing about his personality. This is a BIG problem, because the story is told from his perspective. Slow down and let your main character so some acting.

Final thoughts: Not interesting in continuing.

Lemmie know if you want more help.



over 4 years ago Julia Winters said:

Unique and good twist in the storyline - this seemed like a tempting movie trailer to an awesome movie! Beautiful imagery, m'dear. I hope you continue on the story - very intriguing. :)