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*THIRD PLACE IN THE VAMPIRE CONTEST* Cover created by: ℳґṧ▣ ℝ◎мαᾔт☤¢
I'm sorry for devoting my life to killing your kind.
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about 4 years ago Ruby Skye said:
Wow! This was great. You have a catchy, exciting style that made me want to keep on reading. I did think that the plot line was a little overused-Vampire Slayers/Vampire Slaying Academy, but I can tell that you are a very skilled writer. Great job and keep writing!
about 4 years ago Tem D'Mindu said:
First line falls flat. You'd be amazed how many convicted murderers don't refer to themselves as murderers. I'd cut it. Second line too. Those are fine for keeping your writing mind on the story, but they aren't actually necessary to the rest of the story. (It's a common thing, actually, to cut the first line of a story.) The second paragraph starts right in the action anyway.
The roll-kick move - go ahead and just call it a tomoe nage. What you have there is both difficult and impractical - an unnecessary waste of force. There shouldn't even be a kick involved - the foot is just to keep the momentum going, and the vampire has enough of that to not need a kick.
'send angels running back to heaven' is vague enough that it's hard to tell if the 'supermodels' line is meant to be sarcastic or not.
'We are matching from...' - you keep using 'the' where 'our' would work better.
Is that 'air of indifference' unique to Aeron or Eden, or is it part of the shared traits?
...'one point five seconds' - are heartbeats recorded this way? I'm pretty sure it's bpm, and such a minor difference would be difficult to notice, let alone be relevant.
'Side effects: a conscience' - the order's wrong. A conscience results in guilt, not the other way around. (Not having one is a psych disorder, or a defining symptom of one.)
What's here is good, but it doesn't feel complete. There's no setting or sense of time; the characters are flat - Eden's sudden pang of guilt isn't development so much as initial characterization.
The monsters have so little description beyond appearance that you could've called them anything, so long as that name implies intelligence and a healthy disregard for human life (Mummies, Puppets, Demons, Skineaters, Nightdivers, etc.).
And the Vampire Hunters - is that what they're called? I know we don't call graduates of Secondary Education 'Secondaries', so what should we call the graduates (attendees?) of the VH Academy?
There's a lot missing, and you're clearly capable of rectifying that. It's not clear from the Description if you ever/already plan on expanding it or if it's an excerpt to begin with, but you should definitely finish it.
Hope this helps. Good luck!