Mirage

Mirage

1 chapter / 149 words

Approximately less than a minute to read

Description:

They are rats in the Maze, running endlessly through shifting corridors.

Comments(3)

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over 4 years ago Emi B said:

Wow, really good action writing. Totally creepy. Awesome creepy.

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over 4 years ago Maggie Shive said:

Wow, that was good! It was awesome how you got all of that eeriness into three short paragraphs. I also think this would be great as a complete story. Anyway, great writing!

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over 4 years ago R A Black said:

Thought this had a lovely eerie tone. You've captured a great feeling in such a short number of words. I think some of your sentences could do with looking at, they run on sometimes, or don't connect properly - the line about arrows drawn in blood is followed by "they are creatures of the night", but there's no reason given to connect these two ideas.

Reviews(2)

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over 4 years ago Makii said:

This is very suspenseful, and the worlds were so well chosen. I very much liked the atmosphere and feelings created through the words. The imagery was really great, even though in my mind it moved too quickly.

I also enjoyed that it wasn't superficial, there had to be another meaning which made me analyse. Or that is how I perceived it anyways. But I liked this effect that was created.

The concept was really interesting and original, in my opinion, and that was also a great factor. Great work here!

~ this is my first review ^^

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over 4 years ago Krista O'Neill said:

Hey! So I gave this a look and these are my thoughts:

This is a flash fiction piece, right? It felt like there was a little bit too much of an awkward plotline/exposition here. A flash fiction is less of a mini-story and more of a brief image or glimpse into a single moment in a story. So to have a complete beginning (they're in a maze), exposition (their dad put them in the maze), and an ending (they have to stop), seems a tad unwieldy. I'd suggest taking one specific moment out of this, doesn't really matter which, and then expanding that into the flash fiction itself. You can use that to lead into a tiny bit of exposition maybe, just enough to give the reader an idea of what's going on.

I really liked the imagery of her using her blood for arrows; that really stuck out in my head. However, I didn't really get why you connected it with creatures with metal smiles; I assume that's why she's...bleeding? It didn't flow right.

The last two sentences both start with "So". I wouldn't recommend this.

The repetition of 'stop' in the last bit doesn't really work, I'd just leave it with one 'stop'.

I think the last metaphor is slightly awkward; it's a run on sentence to start with, and then I think if a man is starving he wouldn't care whether he saw garbage or candy - I would consider just making it 'food'? Not sure. It seems to be phrased really wordily and I think it could be trimmed down.

Actually, I really like this concept and I wish you'd flesh it out into a real long story, I'd totally read it! :D Keep up the good work, sorry if I seemed harsh. I'm being super nitpicky. Good luck!