And Then There Were None...

And Then There Were None...

1 chapter / 1320 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

Five...
Four...
Three...
Two...
One...
None...

Comments(1)

Image

over 4 years ago Katrina Summers said:

This story is filled with such amazing emotion that I have no idea what to say right now. I loved the word choice that was used and the fluidity of the piece. You've definitely earned my heart and the follow that I'm about to make :3

Reviews(2)

000_2813

over 4 years ago Garima Gupta said:

I love this one too! I think you just gained a new fan! :)

The emotions you put into this were heart breaking. It was beautifully written and everything just flowed. I really love you counted down int his story. The ending was strong and powerful. Fantastic work!

My-thoughts-are-stars-i-cant

over 4 years ago Avina Skye said:

Wow...this story sent chills up my spine! At the beginning, I was a bit confused, but at the end, everything came together beautifully! Especially when you gave away his secret at the end; it tied the story together wonderfully!

Here are the few mistakes I found:

--> I notice that it was written past tense. And I liked how it repeated throughout the entire story.

--> Eric, Elizabeth, Emily Lane, Josh. Putting the ellipses there over commas creates a more depressing mood, and the story is depressing so it does go with the story. At the beginning when I jotted it down, I was a bit confused about why Emily was the only one with the last name. It makes sense now :D

--> Some other person hit the ice wrong. Okay. I get it at the end of the paragraph, with the crash, and how someone hit the ice on the road wrong. That sentence doesn't sound right as is. I think it should be something like:

Some other person hit the ice on the road wrong. That makes a little more sense. I think. And who was the other person? Were they riding with strangers that night? Friends? The "some other person" sounds a little suspicious.

--> It was a car crash before Christmas.

Are you trying to say "We were in a car crash before Christmas"? Not, "It was a car crash before Christmas." It sounds choppy and like an unfinished idea.

--> Lying on the ground. Where? IN the middle of the road? On the sidewalk just outside their house? WHERE?

--> It was because Emily Lane I had met Josh. Now, what is wrong with that sentence? THE WHOLE STRUCTURE. It is SO choppy. "It was because Emily Lane..." No. I think you made a mistake. It's actually:

"It was because of Emily Lane (that) I had met Josh. Doesn't that sound better? I think that it does. Just put in the "of" and the "that" is really up to you.

--> Josh immediately started apologizing and helping me clean up.

You started past tense. So make the "helping" past tense.

"Josh immediately started apologizing and helped me clean up.

See? How about that to make it sound better?

Overall, a few sentences were choppy and due to that the flow was off in those small places. I love this story. At the end I was at the end screaming on the inside: "What is his secret?!?" I LOVE how you keep the reader on their seat until the end. How in the end you did the countdown, and how they all died. It all tied everything together. This was a wonderful story, and an honor to be able to get to read something this great.

--Avina