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Approximately 21 minutes to read
A novel in progress about the darker side of love.
about 2 years ago Aiden said:
Very interesting, and good. A few mistakes in grammar were here and there, but they do not detract from the story. I would love to know what happens, and after that, see what's next.
about 2 years ago Tonya Royston said:
The ending left me hanging! What happened between her and Brian? Now I'm dying to find out :) Your writing style was very good - you provided enough details for the reader to get inside the main character's head and understand her life without going overboard. It was easy to read, and at the same time, really hooked the reader. Excellent job! I hope you keep working on this!
about 2 years ago Jasmine Lewis said:
The pictures you painted with the word choice in this story was absolutely stunning! I loved it. It honestly was very easy to imagine as I read.
The plot and series of events was also very relatable to most teens I feel. Yu also pulled on the heart strings very nicely especially with the scene with the cellphone and the flowers. It was quite emotional. I really enjoyed this piece of work!
about 4 years ago Kubrah said:
The wording was very professional sounding. It was very eerie, but insanity is fun to read about. The descriptions were lovely and I cant wait for the 2nd chapter to be available.
about 2 years ago Morgan Allen said:
Hello, there! I lobed the haunting beauty of how the father shot himself. Very graphic
Your details are fantastic and I felt as if I were seeing it happen on front of me. The only thing that bothered me is the title
It is a bit cliché and made me Wang to not read it because of the title. Just something to think about. Xx
about 2 years ago Stephanie S said:
The opening was so gripping and wonderful. The 'new shade of red' bit and the 'doughy smell of pancakes' really captures the scene.
I just love the way you describe the family. The way you depict their disconnectedness is vivid and you focus on the fine details, even the family pictures on the walls.
Just a few things that I noted with the grammar:
'Trying [too] hard to be kind.'
'Kevin[,] is it?'
'We are out...so I settle for skim milk [and] watch it settle...'
'...he chuckles[.] [Y]our mom...'''
That butterfly description was brilliant. Just...wow.
'No one [ever] gets close to see..'
I love your writing style, but I noticed that most of your sentences are of the same length. They are very long with semicolons attached. I would just recommend spicing it up a little.
You also say 'chirp' a lot, which is a nice description but can be overdone.
Wow. This should have more hearts. Your writing style is absolutely wonderful and immersive. The detail is splendid. I really hope you continue this, because that ending did not do it justice; you could honestly expand this. Besides the little notes I gave you, this piece is terrific. Keep writing!