Dear Journal

Dear Journal

1 chapter / 1200 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Dear Journal I have something to tell you. About my love, about my summer and about my secret romance...
I'm going to make this in to a proper novel/short story after the contest is over!!!

  • 365
  • 20
  • 23
  • 52
  • 61
  • 131

Comments(266)

Avatar-thumb

3 months ago chensolo said:

L can tolerate him, forbearance because he did not see his shortcomings, but Wholesale Air Jordan Shoes found that he has a more valuable human Side, this side, far more prominent than his shortcomings.

Img_0977

over 3 years ago Danielle Harmony said:

This has some amazing potential but needs some work. It seems too rushed and disconnected. I think if you slow down, add some detail you'll have a much better story.

Beautiful-cat

over 4 years ago Bio Nerd said:

This seems like it needs more. It's too short and disconnected to make much sense, and the emotional evolution makes no sense whatsoever. Her reasons for going don't make sense, and it doesn't connect to the reader at all. If you added more and fleshed it out, making their relationship more than just hidden in a hotel room and sex, put in some action, maybe told us what she learned about his that night with the glasses of vodka, it would be OK. Not good, but OK. To get to good, you'd need many chapters and a much more involved plotline.

936937_10151944671194782_447171652_n

over 4 years ago Elle Jewell said:

this story has a good flow to it. i like the end and i even like the guy you did a really great job :)

Reviews(56)

Maskman19 (l)

over 4 years ago Tem D'Mindu said:

'over from' - 'leftover from'?

'fell onto my lap' - how do you open a letter (envelope?) so that something inside can a) go unnoticed until you actually open it and b) then proceed to fall down?

'arrived in Ireland' - 'arrived'.

'I came in the first place' - 'I'd come'.

Ireland actually gets warm in the summer, on the coast?

'I met him at the...' - 'To my surprise, Connor Allen turned up at the exact place and time Henry gave me.'

What was she doing inbetween getting off that ferry and showing up unannounced at someone's house/garden in the middle of the night?

'half hidden' - hyphenated?

'darkness/moonlight'. Is the garden actually unlit?

'wasn't attractive at all' - how can she tell all this by moonlight alone?

'under his clothing' - how can she tell how he's built, unless they're tight clothes? (Which aren't very good when you're on the run, for the same reason as stiletto heels.)

'his beautiful Irish eyes' - which she can see in the dead of night?

Why does she, specifically, need to hide him?

'hotel bar downstairs' - cut 'downstairs'.

'He's a stranger...' - tense shifts to present for some reason.

'so close to mine' - change 'so' to 'pressed'?

'in a hesitant kiss' - 'hesitantly'. You don't need to clarify that it's a kiss, unless he's a vampire and feeds from the lips of Brits.

'felt like silk' - I doubt that someone in this much trouble would have such soft lips, let alone skin.

'strawberries' - Was that what he was consuming in the bar? Otherwise, it's kinda hard for a dude to get his lips to taste like that without resorting to effeminate measures.

'rough hard desirable' - 'desirable' doesn't mean what the sentence uses it as.

'hadn't of showed' - 'hadn't revealed'.

(The sort of hotel a girl like this could afford to stay at wouldn't have sheets soft enough to want to sleep naked in.)

Of all the things she could do in that situation, freezing up against a wall ranks pretty low on the safety scale.

If it really was the alcohol, that would make him a rapist. That he pushes up against her on the wall, when they're both naked and she's obviously not giving him permission to do so, makes the 'rapist' angle more likely.

'bad boy reputation' - er, what reputation? She has no way of finding out his reputation, without blowing their cover.

'people were after him again' - how'd he learn this?

'he could protect me' - she's supposed to be protecting him. That's why she came to Ireland in the first place.

She takes a plane home? She took the ferry over - a car ferry, by the sound of it.

This is exactly the standard Summer Romance that young girls dream of. It would have felt less so without the 'bad boy' bit earlier.

'the emptiness' - this wasn't evident at the start.

'He made me find myself' - it would have been nice to have seen how.

'Connor found me' - er?

---

The story seems to change direction halfway through. The beginning and ending are inconsistent with each other - it starts as a journal entry and ends as a... letter?

There's nothing wrong with the plot in any way, but because the story focuses entirely on the romance, there are a number of elements that feel wasted. There's no danger, even though that's kinda what the first 500 words were leading up to. There's only two characters (and the uncle, over the phone), and they don't accomplish much. And so on.

That said, I think you could eventually stretch this out into a screenplay or novel, though without any indication of action here it's hard to tell which genre.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

1422434_678196375558323_2112011152_n

over 4 years ago Keeley Page said:

I absolutely adore this!xoxo~ kiwikeeley