After Sunset Hours

After Sunset Hours

1 chapter / 874 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read

Description:

Love can have restrictions. For Jennifer, it's the sunset hours. She cannot escape what happens them, she can only keep the secret from Sam. But secrets slip out. Like a ship on the sea, their love can come crashing down and sink, or it can be smooth sailing.

Comments(7)

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over 4 years ago Christy said:

I love it girl! totally gonna win that contest!

001

over 4 years ago Megan Gillahan said:

This was good, but all the spelling errors made it difficult to get through. Interesting story like though. And good luck on the contest!

Th_starry_night

over 4 years ago nikki woolums said:

Ok, I only saw a couple of typos.And I think gentally is spelled wrong, I would check it. Line 31 you spelled it gentaly. Line 31 to wards should be one word, towards. Line 32 himup space between him up. Line 32 to words should be towards. Besides those small little mistakes this was beautifully written! I can't believe you got so much story into such little words. And your build up and pace to the story was wonderful. I hope you do great in the contest! : )

Animegirl-4

over 4 years ago Olivia Caroline said:

I would like some feedback on my story, The Life and Times of Opal Avery. So please check it out :)

Reviews(5)

Equality1

over 4 years ago The Doctor in the TARDIS said:

I thought this was a cute little fic. I liked the twist on the little mermaid story :) I did however, notice some mistakes. My corrections will be in brackets and my thoughts in parenthesis.

…?” His hand [gently] [caressed] my face. I [merely] nodded, not wanting to ruin the blanket of love surrounding us.

[Sadness] creeps into my heart[;] I can't tell him what he needs to know.

He stops and looks me in the eye (you need to break the paragraphs here, since a different character has dialogue.)

I surfaced and [frantically] looked for Sam.

He was [desperately] trying to stay afloat a good distance away from me.

He saw me [and] gasped at my [appearance] [as] a wave hit him hard. His head went under and didn't come up. (you don't need the comma there)

The waves made it [harder] for me to reach him[;] the current forced me [further] out to sea and the [waves] [continuously] crashed down on me. When I [finally] reached the spot where he went under, I dove [down] to save him. He [gently] drifted [down] [towards] the sea floor [as] his messy blonde hair [swirled] around him.

I scooped him up in my arms and swam [towards] the shore. Gently, I [laid] him on the sand and [listened] for a [heartbeat][;] at first I heard nothing. I started to cry[;] he [meant] so much to me! Covering my eyes with my hands, I [began] [sobbing] harder.

“I thought you were dead!” I cried [out] [more tears streaming down my face, but this time out of] [relief]. (I added on to this because it makes the sentence flow nicely)

“But I'm not.” And [with that] he [leaned up] and kissed me again.

While I liked this, I would say that it goes quite fast. I know he is frustrated, but all of a sudden he just starts screaming at her. I don't think that's a very realistic reaction; everyone has their secrets. My advice to you would be to fix the errors that I pointed out to you, stretch out the story a little bit (your word limit is quite big) and add a bit more detail.

Animegirl-4

over 4 years ago Olivia Caroline said:

Just read After Sunset Hours. I loved the story line, but it was too rushed. Try slowing it down. :) Also, I saw a few spelling mistakes. Other than that, it was good. Keep up the good work! :)