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Approximately 6 minutes to read
about 4 years ago MAIRA MIR said:
Wow! OK I have taken all your comments in stride. I will edit and try again. Thanks firvreading and commenting.
about 4 years ago Ignis said:
It... has potential.
My main peeve with this is the spacing. Oh GOD, the spacing. Now, I understand that some writers dislike writing continuously when it seems as if there is no space left on the margin, but if you just keep writing, the program automatically starts you on a new line! There is no need for you to
Manually hit "enter" whenever you run out of space on the line; in fact, when
You hit enter every time you run out of space, it ends up looking like this, and
Isn't that just really annoying to read? Wouldn't you rather read something
Made up of paragraphs and not fragments that lead into each other? I
Personally find this hard to read.
So, please, go in and fix your paragraphs and spacing. Another thing that bothered me was the dialogue; there was so much unlabeled dialogue, sometimes I didn't know who said what. It also seemed just a tad bit too mechanical.
The idea behind your story is sweet. From what you've established of Sampson, he seems like a nice guy... if a bit creepy, but that's not the point.
I hope you'll work on the issues I've pointed out; when you do, I'm sure you'll get more positive feedback!
about 4 years ago Rory Bradshaw said:
Hi, I think your story had a very sweet concept. But why do you sentences break off then move to the next line? This made the story very hard to read, and it ruined the flow. I also agree the story lacked emotion in the dialogue. It also felt a little cliché at times for me. With a bit more work, this story could improve. Add more detail and emotion, and work on the dialogue!
I do think you are a talented writer, and I hope I have not offended you at all. The story has great potential overall.
about 4 years ago Lily Chen said:
Your formatting is awkward and the dialogue was too formal and choppy to be considered modern. Just put a few contractions in there! But other than that, it was a sweet story and I enjoyed how the story had two different POVs. Good luck in the contest!
about 4 years ago Aveira said:
Okay, so first of all, this cute, for a summer story. Second, I understand that you are telling the story from two character's POV. But, your format make it confusing to read and a pain to the reader's eyes (no offence but you have to accept it to be better)
Moving on, if you want to do the double POV thing, my suggestion is to add a border or a pattern to separate. This will make it easier to read and understand. Because I was kinda lost when you first switched to Sam's POV although I got used to it really quick because it is similar to what I am doing for my novel (I use separate chapters though, but since you are sticking to the same page and same part of the story and the narration is short, you should try the suggested resolve XD)
Next is, your dialogue. It is stiff. If you are writing historical fantasy or a story in which you have different social classes interacting (like the Victorian era or those stories about Lords and Ladies and Dukes and such) then using the dialogue you use now will be fine. BUT REMEMBER, you are writing in contemporary style which means something in the 20th to 21st century. So, your dialogue has to be more natural and contractions are your perfect friends. Try reading your dialogue out loud and ask yourself Would I speak like this? Well, if not then change it. (Some, I mean, not all.)
In contradiction to Jasmine's review, I don't think your writing is the worst. In fact, sometimes people get really annoyed when they read stuff that is really confusing and such, believe me, I was ready to condemn but after I finished I remembered that you wanted a review not a down-grader.
So, you have to try to reformat and edit if you want people to love your story and also don't let the negative comments affect you in a bad way as the ones who are straight forward are mostly the ones who are helping you but only in a harsh way.
Sorry if this is too long but Good Luck and Happy writing
about 4 years ago Jasmine q. Lee said:
To be honest, actually, although your writing was far from bad, it took me alot of effort to get through this. Mostly because of two things. One, the dialogue felt a bit unrealistic and robotic...remember people dont use perfect grammar when they speak and people are lazy...so use contractions. For example "So who is he?" and "I am Sam"...try "So who's he?" and "I'm sam." I feel like it will bring a lot more realistic feel to it. The second had nothing to do with your writing. It was just the really awkward formatting and the weird discontinuations that made the whole thing seem dry and choppy. Try fixing that and your story should be great! Keep writing and best of luck!