The Pieces of a Runaway

The Pieces of a Runaway

7 chapters / 14499 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

Guilt is a thing that can eat you alive. It is also a topic that 16 year old Lexi is an expert on. she knows the story behind Lindsey Baker she just doesn't know where her previous best friend is, if she's dead or alive and if Lindsey's disappearance is her fault.

Genres:

Mystery, Suspense, Novel

Comments(9)

Greeneyescrying

about 4 years ago Aly said:

I like this a lot so far. It makes me wonder what happened, and that the MC feels guilty about something out of her control resonates with me. Your characters are very real.There were a few mistakes that you will probably notice when you do the editing, so I won't point them all out. I look forward to reading more of this.

A0wva20991

about 4 years ago Pixie Dust said:

I like it!

Dl07jd_4

about 4 years ago Bekah Stogner said:

I read the first few sections of this. The description was beautiful and you grabbed the feeling of guilt very well. Awesome job, sad story.

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about 4 years ago M.H. said:

I read the first chapter so far and I'm very, very impressed by all the emotion. It shines through the mystery portion very strongly, and you definitely hook the readers into the story. Amazing work, if I do say so myself. :) In fact, I really didn't see anything that stood out as wrong or anything that seemed peculiar. Brilliant start!

Reviews(8)

Cutecat

about 4 years ago Leafwing said:

Prologue

So far, I like where this is going. It was mysterious and made me want to keep reading, and I don’t think I saw any grammatical mistakes. I had to read a little carefully, though, because at times I was a little confused. Maybe describe the scene a little more, to get a sense of where they’re having the conversation? Also, why does the MC think that the police think that Lindsey is dead?

Chapter One

My first thought was that starting off the chapter with someone running is cliché, but I like how she’s playing soccer, not running from something dangerous. I saw a few small mistakes in grammar and spelling, but those are very small. My edits are in brackets.

“My chest is [on] fire and…” Adding the “on” makes it flow a little more smoothly.

One tip: when you end dialogue with a comma, and put “he says” or “she stammered” afterward, the “he” or “she” should be lowercase. For example: “‘Good job, kid,’ [he] says. He stops me with his eyes, kind gray eyes just darker than his hair.”

Goddess should be lowercase if god is lowercase.

You forgot an end quotation at the end of the next sentence.

“Sidney’s a senior, [but] unfortunately I am not.”

“’Maybe you shouldn’t speculate[,]’ I snap.”

I feel like Sidney’s reaction to Lex’s harsh words would be less angry and more concerned. Clearly Lindsey means something to Lex.

“’You know tomorrow’s Friday[.] [Your] birthday’s coming up, and I thought maybe we could do something special. We can even buy some nice [desserts] or something.’”

“…cutting off her speech, and [inform] her that it’s never going to happen.”

Aw, I feel bad for Lex. She was the person in the prologue, right? I probably should have made that connection…anyway, I like where this is going so far, and I’m pretty curious as to what happened to Lindsey. I might come back and read on if I have time. The chapters pretty much captured my attention all the way through. I hope this review has been helpful. Good luck!

Daois

about 4 years ago Emily Pegg said:

Tonight I've been busy, so I've only been able to read the prologue, but here are my thoughts! Your character's internal monologue isn't bad, which is a huge plus. I'm intrigued by your character and not annoyed (first person narration is tricky), so points for you! You have the reader interested and hooked, and your idea is unique. My recommendation would be to really re-read your syntax and tweak your sentence structure to have it flow fluidly. For example: "For the last ten minutes the gray haired officer has been asking me questions." is a sentence that feels awkward. "Ten minutes of an elderly officer asking me questions has left us in the same place as before: nowhere." might be a better fit, or something like that. Some grammatical errors need to be fixed as well, but most of them are as simple as punctuation misuse. For example, "I know what everyone else knows, nothing." should be, "I know what everyone else knows: nothing." And "His posture shows no sympathy. Its his eyes that get me." could be reworded to look like, "His posture is unsympathetic, but it is his eyes that get to me." Little edits like this and you'll be on your way, I hope this helps! Best of luck!