1 chapter / 586 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read


I'm not finished with this project. I would really appreciate constructive feedback on this so please don't try to be too nice.



almost 7 years ago Liam Cidney Silver said:

Ok, I really find this interesting and full of potential, so I may be long winded.

First off, it does recall slight "Potterish" feelings, but your writing style is original enough that these are not really severe. The characters are quite interesting, and I know it's early on, so I won't say "develop them some", I'll just say, I can't wait until you do.

I can tell you have a good vocabulary, so don't be afraid to use it! I am constantly hitting up the thesaurus to see if there is any POSSIBLE way to make a word more interesting. I would take this oppertunity to say "be careful of simple spelling mistakes" but my spelling is abysmall, and it would only be an embarasment to myself! Lol

I think you have a very good foundation here, and I can't wait to see where you go with it!


almost 7 years ago Lei said:

Wow! Great descriptions in this piece.


almost 7 years ago Micalena Canady said:

Reminds me of Harry Potter.


about 7 years ago Kole DeWinter said:

Very nice! Keep up the good work!



almost 6 years ago Andi Rodrigues said:

The beginning is great. I immediately wanted to keep reading cause you went right in with the plot. With the letter, maybe put the main character's name at the beginning to show that it is for her, but I don't know if you left name out of the letter to help with the secrecy aspect. The idea is great, just make sure to re-read and check for grammatical errors. Also, maybe give more information on the main character. All the imagery details were great with you description of her in the store and then the 'ring around the rosy' part, but it was hard to picture the main character who this was all happening to.


almost 7 years ago Andrew Pryor said:

It's a promising beginning, I will say that.

Your sentence structure seems a bit off, though. Try brushing up on grammar, it'll make the story stronger.

And I feel like you could have been more clear as to what the letter was about. Nice start, though. Good luck!