The Forgotten

The Forgotten

10 chapters / 11763 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

CURRENTLY IN THE MIDDLE OF A MASS EDIT OF THIS PIECE
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Would you rather live a coward or die a hero?
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(For a map of Alagos, go here: http://s1372.photobucket.com/user/JCKingsland/media/d6b3cf6b-6efa-4b09-ae2b-255fb4629006_zps0bdb270a.jpg.html?sort=3&o=18)
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Cover credits: Hannah Deatherage

Comments(52)

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about 1 year ago Irene Grey said:

I loved the voice that you wrote this in - very LotR esk, but yet still your own. I think you pulled it off quite well. I love this genre, and you left me with so many questionsssss! I want to know more about the whole system you have set up here. AND WHAT A CLIFFHANGER. DUDE.

I didn't notice any spelling/grammar mistakes that someone else hasn't already mentioned. You stick with your voice, you use excellent descriptions, and your story is wonderful. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK - I have no complaints! This was amazing.

Also, really sorry it took me so long to get this to you. xD Thanks for the swap!! ~irene

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about 2 years ago Taylor Rose said:

This is my favorite genre! I love this! Good work!

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over 2 years ago Summer said:

Very, very cool! This is like the new Lord of the Rings! I love fantasy, and you swept me into your world immediately. It was hard to keep track of the different places because there was so much information, but I thought you explained things well, at a good pace, with fluent writing. Good job!

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over 2 years ago Nicolette Christiansen said:

So this is definitely up my alley with the paranormal aspect. I think it's very hard to find uniqueness when in the world of paranormal, but I think you've done a good job. The only criticism I have is that the first chapter was very tell all, and not enough show all. I didn't catch any grammatical errors or I would have posted them :) Good job and happy writing!

Reviews(28)

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almost 2 years ago T. M. Wolfe said:

I read the prologue and first chapter.

Prologue:

I like this beginning part, that first paragraph "This is not a faerie story..." that's good. That gives enough info to jump into your story, to kind of get some background without an overload. I agree with the review below me about the prologue: it might be too much information all at once. If you tell just a little bit through the prologue and then reveal the rest over the course of the story (like through a bard as the reviewer below me suggested or maybe they find some old history book or something). It's all a good story, it's just that you can't play all your cards at once. It's better to reveal a little info at a time rather than spill it all at once because a)giving too much away might confuse the reader or b) you might have told the reader everything they could want to know, thus taking away the suspense you could have by NOT saying certain things quite yet. So that's my biggest suggestion is just cutting it back. It's good writing...but just a little too much for the prologue.

Chapter one:

"Not easy is the ride they must take..." Awkward sentence. I can tell you're trying to get a fantasy type voice, like LOTR but I think this just interrupts your flow. So maybe you could just say "Their ride's not easy" but in a way that fits the rest of the paragraph.

I've done a lot of research on first chapters, and one of the things I've always heard is that it's cliche to have your MC describe their appearance by looking in a mirror. Granted, your description of Rhaego is very vivid, but I would still find another way to describe her. Maybe her reflection on a river, stream, a window or something else. Just a suggestion.

Overall: You have a good start, and a definite story to tell. The story is really well developed, which is awesome. You also have a very nice flow and descriptions, which really does make the story jump off the page. I think if you cut back the prologue and add some of that other info throughout the book, that you've got a good story on your hands.

Always Keep Writing!

T. M. Wolfe

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almost 2 years ago Mi-Chan said:

Hello! I have read the prologue of your novel and no further, so this review is going to be on what I have read thus far. Firstly, thank you for the effort you have put into this piece! Now, onto the review:

One thing that any publisher will tell you is that the first page of a story is the most important. When reading manuscripts, if the editors are not hooked by the first page they will turn the author down.

And I'm sorry to say, I was not hooked. It's like at the beginning of star wars, when you are reading that long drawl of script and you kind of brush over it because you want to get to the actual movie. Yes, it's important. But when you are reading large chunks of information - no matter how much fantasy is involved, it feels like you are reading a history book.

Or the Illiad. And you really don't want your first page to read like the Illiad.

My suggestion would be, keep the first part. That's short enough to give some context for the beginning of the novel.

Also, keep the last part. Add it in through a side character like a bard. Bard's are always handy for plot information!

Then cut out all the other pieces. The first sign that something is going terribly wrong is the large jumps in time so early in the story. You will 1) confuse your reader and 2) lose their interest. This information is important, but it should be given within context of the novel itself and not dropped on the reader at the very beginning. My suggestion would be to look at the opening page to the Lord of the Rings or Eragon. They are good examples of a prologue, and can serve as a guide for your revision. Hope I helped! ~AQ