Ever World (FINISHED)

Ever World (FINISHED)

29 chapters / 37946 words

Approximately about 3 hours to read

Description:

Description: ~authorized under the DJSteinhour Publishing stipulation laws. (Not real of course, but still)
*All rights reserved. This book or any characters or plot lines that or portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.*
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WARNING: This writing material is a "DRAFTED COPY" Which means that there will be minor an major Grammar errors within this story, so please do not point out these errors for I already know of their existence because this is not an edited copy, please leave positive feedback on this story for its finally finished and the second novel is coming soon!

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Within the Ever World a thousand years have passed since the last Ever Shadow Waned upon the land. But now the time has come for a new Ever Shadow to occur and the world is undergoing a time of testing and must be healed, the Voice of the Forest the heart of the land is dying and must be restored before Darkness once again reigns over the Light, Queen Auryanna must undergo a journey that can change the fate of the Ever World forever whether for the Good....or for the Wicked...Can Auryanna find the new Voice of the Forest before the Ever Shadow? Or will the Ever World forever be indulged within the shadows?

Find out in Volume 1 of the Ever Trilogy "Ever Shadow"

Genres:

Writing, Fantasy, Mystery

Comments(17)

Seira_zpse4d4d5f9

over 4 years ago KIWI })i({ said:

I havn't had enough time to finish the first time, and my review will be in short little bursts, I'm not going to correct grammer, butthere are little things that drag the plot. Firstly, you use the same words topoint to certain characters, man, woman, and a lot of hes and shes, try to make their descriptions a bit more ujnique and use those unique characteristics to define them. I look forward to finishing your story, and good luck with the publishing

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over 4 years ago Danielle Lofgren said:

I liked this! I read the first two chapters, and it's been a while since I've seen a truly good fantasy novel like this one. Great job so far!

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over 4 years ago Garima Gupta said:

This is a very interesting concept, and your writing style worked well for this story. I really liked your descriptions. Well done and keep writing!

Feel_the_music_by_alephunky

over 4 years ago Liz Schleisman said:

You have a very interesting idea. Keep up the good work!

Reviews(4)

Fig 3

over 4 years ago Cat Rycerz said:

So traditionally with longer pieces, I leave one review for the first chapter/prologue, then however many more depending on how many chapters are left. Considering your halfway point is over fifteen chapters, you may see a grand total of four or so reviews, one with half of fifteen, one at fifteen, and so on. I'm terribly sorry this took so long, but I hope you won't be disappointing!

There's something about an fantasy adventure that brings me back to my childhood. That phase in writing history seems to have passed, but it's good to see there's still good ideas for it out there. There are many instances where you choice of words and descriptions are quite the delight to read, and this world you've begun to create shall hopefully continue to fuel my nostalgia.

That being said, I have quite a few notes I'd like to share for hopeful improvement. It's mostly in order as I saw it, so they'll be easy to find and possibly fix.

We've got a slight tense issue. "Twilight befell the land, casting it..." "A tall figure stood silent..." "He looked..." All suggest this is past tense, but then "He blinks them once..." Suggests present. Little mistakes like this can be fixed with a careful read through, because this could become terribly distracting and confusing.

The description of your monstrous human seems a little clunky to me. It may be because his appearance is all described there and then. I'm a huge fan of describing as you go, but if this is the place to do it, I would give him more sentences to work with. Have those snake-like eyes dart around, the horns be brushed by an oncoming breeze.

I'm not entirely sure a : is necessary for "He inhaled..." You could make it just a sentence, or a comma, or make it a ; instead? Maybe add, "He inhaled deeply..."? It seems very short as it is. Sorta the same with "Keep watch, weapons armed,". There's no continuing sentence after that, so the , at the end isn't necessary. I'd just put a . I found this occur multiple times after these sentences as well. Really, the only reason you put a , after dialogue is if your person will say more in a moment. Since most of these sentences end, putting a . makes a whole lot more sense

The description of the valley, though pretty and an interesting idea, is a lot to read. Separate that out into different sentences, and it'll be a lot easier to read. Sorta the same with the Demons paragraph. It's hard to read, and seems a little suddenly placed. There's a lot of tell going on in there as well; telling me they can see in the dark, and their sense of smell is amazing. It seems especially odd to me that you would continue to call the male a male when we know he's a demon now.

There's a lot of rambling sentences after this, those similar to the valley and description of the demon's powers. Commas or periods separating them into sentences are necessary, otherwise, this is going to be very hard to read. I would read it aloud as it is, pausing only when there's a comma and stopping when there's a period. Hearing it aloud might help you spot the places I'm talking about.

Having a ; in "He whispered;" doesn't seem right to me. It would make more sense, I believe, if it were just a ,

If there's one thing that gets my writing goat, it's caps in a story. I can understand if it's a sign or a title to a door or something, but placing it in dialogue just seems unprofessional to me. A few ! will always get the job done.

It would be more interesting if I heard more about Wakanda from the mouth of someone, instead of told to me in the narration. This is another example of telling someone a story, instead of showing it to them. It feels a little patronizing when you explain this dragon to us, especially since we haven't had a chance to explore your magical world yet.

"Larger" "Dragon" Horse" "Elf" are all words that really shouldn't be capitalized. I understand Darkness and Spiral because they're big ideas of the story, but the Horse is just a horse, and even if the elf and dragon are important, they really are just that. Though, I could let the dragon and elf slide, but not really the horse.

Continuing on this, I know the spiral's important, but stating that the shape of the dragon's flame is a spiral shouldn't be capitalized, seeing as it just looks like a shape. It takes away from the power of the Spiral in other sentences, if that makes sense.

A lot of what I've pointed out seems to be a common occurrence in other comments. When I see this, that makes me nervous, because I don't know then if you really seek out help or not. I shouldn't have to repeat what others have said, so that discourages me to continue a swap, because it feels like the author I'm reading for isn't listening to the advice others have to offer. I'll continue reading, but only if you're really serious about making the changes.

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over 4 years ago H.M. Marie said:

I really liked this! I'm not big on pin pointing every grammar and spelling error but when it comes to content I think you should put more emotion into it. Your descriptions are beautiful and I can pretty much picture them but it seems monotone to me. Express how the characters are feeling, how the place around them or events impact them mentally and emotionally and you'll be golden! *JaneThummler*