Jacqueline

Jacqueline

6 chapters / 7045 words

Approximately 35 minutes to read

Description:

Jacqueline has spent most of her life living with her evil stepfather after her mother died. The day she goes to sell her mother's ring at a pawn shop, her entire life changes. Now she has to figure out what to do with her long lost father who has come back and a faery prince who wouldn't leave her alone. She soon learns that not everyone is who the seem to be.

Genres:

Fantasy, Romance, Novel

Comments(10)

Stella

almost 5 years ago Blonde Fan Girl said:

wow, incredible story! As you can see, we have the same name! and it's spelled the same too! A happy accident! I can relate to her. I don'r have an abusive sptepfather, but I do have a sruggling dad and mouney is always an isue at my house. I too also belived that I was a "princess" trapped and was waiting to be resqued. And eventualy i was in a way. But i also want to be independent and to be my oun hero sometimes 'cause prince charming can't be there for me all the time. I'm so glad you've written this charming story and please please please write more! I want to know what happens to her!

Chrysanthemum

about 6 years ago Calli Cooper said:

I loved it, keep working on it!

Wings

about 6 years ago Wings said:

Wow, I am hooked! I feel Jacqueline's pain, and I want to know what happens next! great job!

Chrysanthemum

about 6 years ago Tee said:

This was great, even though I'm still on the 1st page (had a few things to do but defiantly going to follow you)This was like your own interpretation of Cinderella. it was real good and believable, the dialogue as well as the characters was also good.

Reviews(3)

Image1

about 6 years ago Rinske Roeleveld said:

Time to review! I rarely see fantasy swaps on Figment, so I was more than happy to see your deal. I do love to be extremely nitpicky. Beware. ran her hand under cold water from the tap.

Chapter one.

-‘she said in the exact way he had trained her.’ This already gives a good look at the stepfather. He sounds horrible. Nice sentence! -‘the worry was obvious in both of their faces.’ I believe the idiom is ‘worry on their faces’ instead of ‘in their faces’.

Ahh, his name is Richard. Too bad, in my work Richard is a good guy. That can become confusing =P

-‘some how not making very much noise.’ ‘Some how’ should be ‘Somehow’ -‘ran her hand under cold water from the tap.’ I’m not sure if ‘ran under’ is good English. I believe it can be ‘run through’ or ‘hold under’. -‘soon Jacqueline would have to start picking the picking the vegetables’ Whoops! :)

Coffee blood. Lovely.

-‘The princess always got in trouble some how until the prince came to rescue her.’ Again the ‘Some how’

Cool, tea leaf noodles! Noodles for breakfast though? That’s new. That’s not too smart either. If they’re poor, why leave the television on when no one is watching? Muted news seems useless news.

-‘to make sure we don't loose the house.’ Wrong verb here, it’s supposed to be ‘lose’ ^^ Wow, that stepfather really IS a horrible guy! Your use of vocabulary is good so far.

Chapter two.

You’re very descriptive, much like the first chapter. Excellent! I didn’t find anything to complain about in this chapter! No grammatical mistakes or typos! Seems like you’re improving! Let’s see if it stays that way ;)

Your main character seems very good. Nice of her to sacrifice her bra-needs for someone who needs medicine.

Chapter three.

I can’t help but wonder how Richard ever heard of this shop. He doesn’t seem the type. Morrigan! With a name like that you just have to become either a magician or the owner of a mysterious shop. ;) Again, no grammatical mistakes or typos. Nice.

Chapter four.

Some back-up story is always good. It’s nice to know more about your main character. Ok, I don’t completely get it. She deserves to get a lot more money for the ring, so she’ll start working for Morrigan to lower the dept she doesn’t have, since she deserves more money? I don’t get it. Can you respond to this? I’d really like to know. TWIST! Poor Jacqueline. =P

Chapter five.

And there’s the fantasy! Yay! It’s very mysterious. I’ll definitely follow you ;)

Random

about 6 years ago Jennifer Barwenko said:

Very good Lisa, you do an excellent job with descriptions and imagery. Nice hook right in the beginning too. Is it bad that I can relate to 80% of Jacqueline's life?