Wolfenthal's Boarding School for Gamers

Wolfenthal's Boarding School for Gamers

1 chapter / 1198 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

*Second place in NightSchool Contest!* The bone-chilling, behind-the-scenes story of where those famous video games come from.

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Comments(139)

Dont-allow-society-to-turn-you-into-person-youre-not-life-quotes-sayings-pictures

over 4 years ago StayStrong_16 said:

Whoa!! Really creepy and descriptive but awesome! Great job!

Pusheen cat

over 4 years ago Jessica Pfortmiller said:

Please, please, please write more! This plot was incredible and amazing! Great job on being a runner-up for the contest!! :)

Images

over 4 years ago ✦ тнє тяυтн тαкєѕ тιмє ✦ said:

I enjoyed your piece of writing even though it was very different. I liked how it was unusual, so it was very interesting to read. However, you may want to add some more details to help explain the setting.

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over 4 years ago Lydia DeVincent said:

I quitwe enjoyed this. After the contest, you should continue it. It's very good. :) Good Job! :)

Reviews(29)

Bjed9901

over 3 years ago William Carter said:

This is a review for my side of a swap we had a few months back.

-NITPICKS-

- Cliche of opening your story with the main character waking up.

- ". . . from a nightmare as I lace . . ." Aww, c'mon! What was her nightmare about? I understand this was for a contest, but if you didn't have enough words to add it in, then I suggest cutting it out.

- "Douglass, Arianna: SpaceFighters IV" through "I push my way . . ." What's her feeling about this? If she's a veteran, then wouldn't she have at least some feeling towards this game?

- ". . . about my age, seventeen." Comma splice. Change to ". . . about my age-seventeen."

- ". . . look as an honor." Change to "take as an honor." It's easier for flow.

- ". . . still yet to grow accustomed . . ." FLOW INTERRUPTION ALERT! Change it to ". . . still unaccustomed . . ."

- ". . . before I disappear." She literally disappears? Or does she mean mentally disappearing into the game? Please explain better.

- ". . . helmet on my head . . ." Change "on" to "onto" since you don't shove something on your head.

- ". . . I had made . . ." Cut "had."

- Alright, if she's this veteran gamer, then wouldn't she have known not to go into the cave WHERE SHE CAN'T SEE? I understand it was her objective, but couldn't she have thrown a grenade or something to make sure it was clear first?

- If she could have killed it that instantly, then wouldn't she have warned Thomas how to kill those things as they were running to the cave?

- How does crying put you in further danger?

- "Yes, but, he says . . ." Put the "but" after "he says."

- "The joy his death will bring to other children." Change to "Think of the joy his death will bring to other children."

- If too many have died, then why is she so struck by Thomas' death? Hasn't she seen this countless times before?

- ". . . I say and leave." This is awkward. Try changing it to something like "I say, leaving," or "'They'll be thrilled.' And I leave him to mend his broken nose." Since this is the last sentence of the story, I suggest making it leave a dramatic impact on the reader (My suggestions were not dramatic, just letting you know).

-OVERALL-

- I think I liked Arianna. She seemed determined, confident, and brave. She willingly went to Wolfenthal's to make sure they didn't take her brother. Although I'm not sure how great of a gamer she is (I still think she could've saved Thomas' life by letting him know how to kill the aliens beforehand), I believe she's a relatable enough character for the reader.

- I really, really liked the idea behind this. I have always thought stories about gaming schools and whatnot were really cool. I think it's great how you created the entry point to the games with the wires and needles. Although, I do feel like you could've come up with a better game. SpaceFighters IV? Really? At least call it Galaxia or something, ha ha. :D

- The plot was okay. I didn't like how you left out a lot of the details of the place. I understand you were under a word constraint for the contest, so I am giving a lot of leeway for that. Now that the contest is over, I suggest adding descriptions of her nightmare, more of a backstory on how she got here, and the rescue mission in the game. You left that whole part out about rescuing the boy from the prison.

Overall, I liked this. I think it was an original read with awesome potential. Great job! :D

Kwish

over 4 years ago MJB said:

Awesome! Love the characters, the plot, the scenery, the danger, everything. I wanted to keep reading! Amazing story! Your a really good writer! Sorry it took me so long to read it. No swap needed, I'm still working on a lot of my stories, but once I finish I might ask you. Again, cool story! You really got me attached to the characters in a short amount of time.