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Approximately 8 minutes to read
Decided to fix a few things, and take bits out. It needs more work and I need to fix some grammar issues. But tell me what you think.
almost 4 years ago Renee Goudreaux said:
I like how it was a dream...but it also happened. It kind of reminded me of that movie Abducted, but I liked this wayyy better!
almost 4 years ago ~Mina~ said:
I really liked your concept. Despite what people are saying, I think that you used a great amount of detail. I only have 2 suggestions. 1.) your beginning was a tiny bit rushed. Maybe you could expand on whats happening to give it a more realistic feel to the reader. 2.) The most disappointing thing is when a huge adventure thing happens and then the mc wakes up. I know that this is a vital part of your story though so maybe you could put some thought into how to make your ending unique and not disappoint the reader. Other than that, super job and good luck in your contest! ^ . *
almost 4 years ago Ian M. Pattz said:
I agree with everything everyone said on here. it was very good and interesting to me. But other than grammar, you need more detail. More deatail about the magic in the beginning, more detail about the dad tell them about the mom dying, and more detail in the beginning before you suddenly burst into all the action. The detail you had about the mom was good though. It rushed very well, which for the most part worked so good job on that. Keep working on it!
almost 4 years ago Neema said:
Not bad. I think the action in the beginning was a little too sudden - nothing built up to it, it just kind of happened and instead of being shocking or surprising, it was just confusing. The whole magic thing wasn't apparent from the beginning either, because in the beginning they sound just like a normal family. I think if you work out those things though, this could be a pretty good story as it has an interesting concept. Good luck with your writing :)
almost 4 years ago Marina Ignatyeva said:
Hello! Your story was pretty epic! I really like the concept! There is only one things that could be fixed or reviewed Your third paragraph could use more of a sense of urgency. You can do this through language, so maybe go through and find your action verbs and make sure that they are frenzied, hectic, and tense. Otherwise your plot kept making me want to read more, it was engaging and different. And the plot twist at the end... Oh my gosh! That was very cool! I liked that a lot!
almost 4 years ago Dreamless Nights said:
1. “Their eyes met…”
2. “catching up with Riley”
3. “Bring them back into the fight”
4. Okay, these first three numbers are basically like two words I think you should add somewhere within a sentence. Firstly, I would like to say that liked the idea that she was having a nightmare about what really happened. What we need from you is detail, we honestly have no idea what is going on, everything is set in such a fast pace that you kind of skip over a lot of things that is necessary for the reader to connect with the character. At one point you said that they joked around the dinner table, don’t just jump into the action, show us this interaction , helps us start to like the character a teensy, tiny bit before we jump into everything. Apart from that you have one problem that I also have, Grammar! I hate it but it is necessary, commas and indentation and all of that, yep so basically that is my kinda short review in a nutshell