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Approximately 11 minutes to read
[WIP] This is a story I've been working on for the past few months. Progress is slow, but I've been meaning to write this since the year started. Placeholder title is accompanied by placeholder cover. Feel free to suggest title ideas.
over 3 years ago Nelle Hirano said:
Wow! I love this story. You have such a nice way of writing. Usually, the sudden changes of perspective or scene would bother me, but you wrote it so well that it seemed right. Great job on that. As for a title, I personally would have called this "A Story From Once Before" going with the past and the kids wanting a story. Lovely story, keep writing!
over 3 years ago Lily said:
Wow--I couldn't keep my eyes off of this. Usually while reading something my mind trails off or some inner dialog keeps commenting on everything, but this truly captured me. Great writing and story. However, I didn't really understand the connection between the three little stories. I was intrigued by each one, and I'm pretty sure they all have to do with the same kingdom, except the relations between them weren't clear. Maybe next to the stars separating them you can name something such as the time (guessing they're at different places in the kingdoms history), or the point of view that's being written from or about. Also, throughout you had amazing imagery, except sometimes it could be pretty choppy. Going through and either connecting some sentences or making them longer would be a good idea.
Other than that, amazing job. I loved this. Keep writing, please.
over 3 years ago Margaryta said:
I like the idea of it, I can't even describe your story in one specific type or genre necessarily, all I know is that I really liked it. I enjoy stories where there's a transition between different scenarios, the way you did in yours, and it was very smooth. There was a good balance of dialogue and description, which also didn't overwhelm but rather enhanced the reader's understanding. I liked the nicknames Little Bear and Lion, it made me wonder why you chose those specific ones or if there was any meaning behind it, but I just enjoyed the story itself so my wondering was put on a back burner. I hope you elaborate further on this, I think what you have so far is very solid and there's room for even more since you already captured the reader's attention and interest. I really enjoyed it, great job!
over 3 years ago Bekah Stogner said:
I like this start a lot, though some of your word choices threw me off. Not sure if rain can fall eagerly. But otherwise your descriptions were pretty great! Mysterious and all. keep going!
over 3 years ago regina said:
There are grammar mistakes such as the tense i.e. “because that is what he was now” should be “because that was what he was now” since you seem to be writing in the past tense.
“And the rain pour even more vigorously” SHOULD BE “And the rain poured even more vigorously”.
One’s writing should flow in a constant tense.
You also seem to have punctuation mistakes. “When one is speaking and their sentence will not end in an exclamation point or a question mark it should end with a comma, like so,” I say. “And since I continue to speak, my sentence is capitalized, whether I put a comma or a period after the word, ‘say’.”
“Aw Grandma. We’ve heard that one” whined the youngest…… SHOULD BE “Aw, Grandma. We’ve heard that one,” whined the youngest…….
“Grandma? Don’t read us anything,” the girl said, “tell us a story.” SHOULD BE “Grandma? Don’t read us anything,” the girl said, “Tell us a story.”
I don’t know if they were just typos but just heads up if they weren’t.
Ooh, you got me in the end! YOUR WAY WITH DESCRIPTIVE SENTENCES. I LOVE IT. Although I don’t quite understand what this story is exactly going to be like, I think it will be an adventurous one as it goes on. Can’t wait to read more!
over 3 years ago Alex Smith said:
Great first line, it really hooks the audience. I liked how you set up each individual scene with different moods. However, the connection between them is lost, especially the first. There’s a lot going on within one chapter, and so, it might be good to focus on one set of characters so we get to know them better. I wondered, What’s the true focus of the story? The characters in the beginning? Middle? End?
A few notes:
The sentence “Through the blurred effect created by the rain” sounds a bit awkward, although I know what you’re saying. Maybe tweak it about so it flows a bit nicer.
In the first part of the chapter there are three paragraphs that jump from wide- to narrow- focused perspective. For example, the valley is described (wide focus), the man is described (narrow), the valley is described (wide). It might flow better if you start with what you can say about the valley and then what you say about the man and go from there.
Paragraph six, several sentences start with “He”.
Overall: I would like to see where this is going, such as why the Grandma is telling a tale of the King to her grandchildren. I also wonder why the grandchildren have a different type of name than the characters in the story. Your first chapter leaves me wondering a lot.
Hope this helped and happy writing~