Zenith Enterprises

Zenith Enterprises

5 chapters / 12278 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

Its about twins and an evil company... Ya, Its all over the place, some chapters are done, but most I haven't even started yet...

Genres:

Action, Adventure, Novel

Comments(10)

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over 3 years ago EYRAM(ANIME PR0!) said:

You write great stories dude, join my group. Your best friend already did. You are an anime fan. Oh, and she's a little sad today,read Not For You.

Quill and ink

about 4 years ago Quil Inkwell said:

I couldn't stop reading. It's good but a bit disjointed. I like it though. It makes the experience more real.

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about 4 years ago Ariel Magic-esi said:

This is really disjointed and difficult to read. I can see an interesting plot popping up and your figurative language is really excellent, but you really need to clean it up to make it easier to follow the plot. Also, format it so that there are separate paragraphs rather than chunks of text that are very long. I read the first chapter, but it was so difficult to follow what was going on, and the murder of the parents came so suddenly, without a lot of feel for the emotion of the scene. After it happens you tell us a lot about what they're feeling, but we KNOW they're going to be sad; their parents are dead. Describe what's going on: their hearts are beating, they can't think straight, there's blood everywhere, etc. You do a little of that but the focus should be on sensory detail, which will give us an image of what's happening, rather than directly telling us what they're feeling. Sorry to make this all negative stuff... you have an interesting plot building, but I can't really understand what's going on, and that makes it difficult to read it or enjoy it.

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about 4 years ago A.L. Eliason said:

This is soo good cant wait for more

Reviews(1)

Me

over 4 years ago Giana Terranova said:

There was some grammatical errors, but more important I think you need to re-work your paragraph structure. It’s hard to read at some points and sometimes I had to pause and figure out where or who was talking. For example where it said ‘It’s so good to see you again; “Kaylan was about…

…was really confusing. I couldn’t tell if the next paragraph was someone talking or if it was the closing “ to the sentence. It would help to start a new paragraph every time a new person is speaking as well, or at least put a difference between speech and a character’s thoughts so the reader (italics maybe?) can know a little better about who is speaking and who isn’t. It’s “Satan” as well, not Satin.

Over all, plot wise, the story seems very interesting! The twin’s parents dying was described very well and with enough emotion to make me feel genuinely bad for them. It got confusing in some placed more then others, but I think you did a great job getting the main point across. I wasn’t sure if the twins were actually possessed by demons to make them act the way they did, or if it was them lashing out from hopelessness/emotion, and I’m not sure what your meaning was, but that could be an even deeper discussion of mental health versus reality that you could adventure through.

I only read chapter one (this was for a swap) but if you read more of my book I’d gladly come back and do more reviews.