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Approximately 14 minutes to read
A girl, her Dad, and her brother
This one's by Aerin... XD
over 2 years ago Charlotte said:
the very beginning part was spaced out enough, but that was really the only thing I had a problem with.
It's very well done, you are a very good writer.
over 3 years ago Mike said:
I wanted to cried but I didn't so really good
over 3 years ago Mercury Winters said:
Wow. Great ending :)
over 3 years ago C.R. Chamberlain said:
That was depressing.
over 3 years ago Trail of Glitter said:
Here is your long-awaited review! I liked this story. I thought it was interesting and well-developed. Your descriptions were perfect and your imagery was nice too. Like the person below me said, you need to change Jenna's name. If you need help with names, just ask me, because I have lists and lists and lists full of girl and guy names for any race and age. I like your plot, and also, do change it to first person PRESENT tense. For some reason, I'm obsessed with that tense (is that even normal??). If you don't change it, it's still good. There were a few typos, but nothing too major! Besides THAT, I thought your story was lovely and wonderful and incredible!
over 3 years ago Aurora Sanders said:
Here is your HONEST, BRUTAL REVIEW for one through four. :)
REALLY nitpicky, but maybe change either Jenna or Ben's names. They kind of sound the same, and you want each name to stick out in the reader's mind.
Another suggestion: Could you try writing in first person? It would be more emotional and the readers would better get in the main character's head.
When you do quotes, like, "My name is Jenna." she said. (for example), you don't use a period. You use a comma.
The first sentence could be more interesting. Maybe start with the note at the end of the email?
I feel like this first paragraph should be split up some. Multiple actions don't usually go in one paragraph, plus, it's a little hard on the eyes.
Just a personal choice, but I wouldn't capitalize the dad in "second Dad". It looks a bit awkward, and it's being used as a noun, not really as a substitute for a name.
The double past tense in the flashback is a little confusing. Maybe put it as a separate scene in italics or something.
I'm really liking the brother-sister dynamic between Jenna and Ben, as a side note.
How old is Jenna? College-age? Older? I'm a little confused here. I know that I have a friend with an older half-sister who has nieces, but it's a rarity. I don't even know what I'm saying here...Disregard maybe?
Separate the dialogue of the nephew and nieces from "Jenna opened her arms..." Then include "Where's Dad?" in that paragraph.
Really nitpicky, but your quotation marks are messed up around "Be careful."
Maybe in addition to having "she looked at him..." have what she's thinking. Is she wondering why she has to be careful?
I like how she teases her dad and how he responds. It shows things about his tiredness and is good foreshadowing.
A lot of what you're doing here is showing. "He jumped." Obviously, there are only so many ways to say that, but try to experiment with different beginnings of sentences to keep it fresh.
I will be back for the next chapters! :)