1 chapter / 1102 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read




Fantasy, Fanfiction
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over 1 year ago MYSTIQUE said:

Can do good with some idioms. other than that simply loved it all.


about 3 years ago A.J. Cypher said:

‘old, glossed-over eyes’ – this is the second reference to the eyes of a minor character in a short time, and I think it’s a better description than the first one (pale blue eyes). So maybe condense the other line to just, ‘He inspected his work before finally packing up his things’ and leave this second line to describe his eyes.

‘her eyes meeting themselves’ – sounds a bit awkward. Maybe, ‘meeting her own gaze’ or ‘meeting her own eyes’

I love the tidbit about her hair and the fire opals.

The hunting knife is kind of a random thing for her to be carrying, at least without any hint that she would carry such a thing. Maybe having a leftover dinner knife or something?

The description of her cutting her hair off is almost… Beautiful. I think something more passionate and angry would do better. Shorter sentences and more abrupt wording, like the sentences that follow.