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Approximately 6 minutes to read
**FANFICTION CONTEST FINALIST**
6 months ago Cassidy Helens said:
Are you going to continue this story, it's amazing!
10 months ago MYSTIQUE said:
Hey can any1 help me out I have a few books but need reviews . .
over 1 year ago Brianna Neal said:
i loved it!
about 2 years ago Rachel D. said:
Very well done, I was hooked from the first word!
Can do good with some idioms. other than that simply loved it all.
over 2 years ago A.J. Cypher said:
‘old, glossed-over eyes’ – this is the second reference to the eyes of a minor character in a short time, and I think it’s a better description than the first one (pale blue eyes). So maybe condense the other line to just, ‘He inspected his work before finally packing up his things’ and leave this second line to describe his eyes.
‘her eyes meeting themselves’ – sounds a bit awkward. Maybe, ‘meeting her own gaze’ or ‘meeting her own eyes’
I love the tidbit about her hair and the fire opals.
The hunting knife is kind of a random thing for her to be carrying, at least without any hint that she would carry such a thing. Maybe having a leftover dinner knife or something?
The description of her cutting her hair off is almost… Beautiful. I think something more passionate and angry would do better. Shorter sentences and more abrupt wording, like the sentences that follow.