Heart Stop

Heart Stop

1 chapter / 746 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read


*Finalist in the Fan Fiction Contest.* When Jacob finds out the pain of imprinting on Bella, and the consequences of loving someone you only thought loved you.(Sorry for all those who don't like Twilight, which are most of you). I just started watching Twilight and I'm not saying I'm a fan, but I do admire Jacob! *notice: I wrote this after watching Eclipse. Now that I've seen Breaking Dawn, I know why everyone hates Twilight*

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over 4 years ago Lexi Aylmer said:

Okay, to start, I am a Twilight fan, but I am open minded. Personally, I think that this is one of the directions Twilight could have gone in and I strongly suggest reading Breaking Dawn. I don't suggest watching the movies unless you actually enjoy Kristen Stewart's acting. I was once a rookie writer as well, so here's a tip: Using the word 'but' can become repetitive (This is from past experience), so I suggest using other transition words or phrases such as 'however' or 'in all honesty'. Other than that I enjoyed reading this and I also am admirable of Jacob's character. He was my favorite while reading the books, besides Jasper. Keep Writing! ~L.A.

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over 4 years ago Cat Rycerz said:

Okay. So, just between us, I hate Twilight. Like, really, REALLY hate Twilight. I stayed as far away from the books and movies as I could, and after being told in detail what happens in the series, I'm glad I did. Regardless of my utter loathing for this particular series, I shall put that all aside for the sake of a proper review! I will focus instead on the flow of this piece, the style you chose to write it in, if the message is clearly delivered, and you know, all that sort of stuff. Because honestly, it's more important for you to improve as a writer than to focus on the subjects you write about.

Usually, I have to dink people on not showing enough, but damn. I sorta wish you hadn't shown so MUCH! But not really. This was really well done; I'm happy I got to see this event take place, regardless how questionable it was in the beginning). I'm not sure if this was intended, but your description of Jacob's almost need for Bella is just flat-up creepy! That paragraph of him describing her features alone sent a shiver down my spine, and knowing how much these two boys obsessed over her, I'd say you got his feelings spot on. You can tell the need for her is pretty obvious with the way you've described how he feels when they touch. Good God man, I almost feel sorry for the poor thing. And let's not forget the "Potent echo of our kiss recycling through my brain..." Not only an incredibly pretty way to say he remembers the kiss, but again, sorta emphasizing this obsession he seems to have developed for her.

I am SO glad you highlighted something about Jacob that just makes him a better love interest; he knows Bella's not perfect. Yes, he still DOES care for her (you know, actually CARE for her), but he knows she's only human, and doesn't glorify her. Thank you. Thank you SO much for bringing that up.

There really isn't anything bad I can say about this (aside from the obvious distaste for the franchise xD). Your flow is even-paced, the pace itself is perfect, and you get from point A to point B successfully, without drama and chewy, run-on sentences killing the flow. So, good job, my fellow writer!