A Song for the Dead

A Song for the Dead

1 chapter / 1823 words

Approximately 9 minutes to read

Description:

A girl loses more than her family one day while hiking in the woods.

Comments(9)

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about 1 year ago Cami Greathouse said:

This story was deep, i love it.

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over 4 years ago M.H. said:

Besides a couple places where the phrasing threw me off. This was brilliant. I really love the way the birds drove your MC mad and especially how you didn't dwell on how she got separated from her family, only that she did and the birds were driving her insane. Phenomenal work!

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over 4 years ago Tina Kia said:

Wow this is a powerful story. It really shows what humans can go through when they are alone, a sense of dementia can come over you where you lose even your sanity. You did a great job of portraying that.

Me3

over 4 years ago Hosanna Hope Boesche said:

Loved the descriptions!!!!

Reviews(4)

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almost 4 years ago Ivana Elliot }i{ said:

I read the whole thing, as per our agreement. Bad news first;

simply enough COMMA I took a wrong turn

"I always wanted it to stay that way." You should combine this sentence and the next one.

The sentence after that one is awkward anyways.

You don't need the "that" before the saying.

"the lock to my doom" nonsensical.

"I could not believe their songs...." This sentence is a run on.

Why is there a random quotation around the first sentence of the third paragraph? If she is thinking, just put it in italics. Her talking to herself like that is awkward.

You make it seem like no one is looking for her. Does she have any family? Friends?

The thing with the birds is supposed to be sad and scary, but I found it slightly cheesy.

If she liked birds so much, wouldn't she be used to the sound?

Overall, it was good, not great. The whole thing didn't seem as realistic as I expected. It has potential, because it reminds me of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Happy Writing!

Ivana

Katie

over 4 years ago Teagan R said:

Wow! This was a super interesting short story. I was definitely intrigued and drawn in by your concept. I liked your use of the House Finch, rather than just "a bird", as well as your character's transition from calm to angry to remorseful. The insertion of the hunter also added an interesting element of loss of control by outside sources.

Some of your phrasing was a bit difficult to follow, and the lengthy paragraphs made it hard to read. Paragraphs should be three to five sentences. Secondly, when your character is thinking you surround her thoughts with quotation marks, and this confuses her thoughts with dialogue. Perhaps if you italicized her thoughts it would differentiate them from dialogue and make it easier to understand.

At the end of your second paragraph your character discovers that the birds are singing about her. I love the way you approached that; I found it really powerful.

Your physical description of the house finch is a little bit confusing and I would consider simplifying and revising it.

Overall you've written a really interesting piece that, with a little bit of editing, could be even more powerful than it is already.