Everlasting Tomorrow

Everlasting Tomorrow

5 chapters / 989 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

*NOT COMPLETE* Aubrey Greene was just an average teenage girl. Until one day she goes into a bookstore and discovers something about herself that is both amazing and frightening. A fate that she never dreamed possible. Will she be able to save the world she was destined to rule, or will everything and everyone she loves be lost?
Co-written by Danielle Sullivan.

Genres:

Writing, Novel

Comments(13)

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over 2 years ago Girl In Black said:

simple but beautiful writing style. keep up the good work!

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almost 3 years ago Julia Tannenbaum said:

Spectacular. You are an amazing writer, there's no doubt you will go far with your work. As part of our swap, could you check out/comment on Runaway for me. Thanks in advance and keep up the great work.

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almost 3 years ago L.J Stephan said:

I. Love. This.

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almost 3 years ago Rachal Wright said:

This is so good! I loved how you put the meaning of all of the names in the beginning. I can see where this is going, I think. The prologue drew me in and kept me wanting to read. You made your main character, Aubrey, likable and easy to relate with. I have yet to finish what you have written, but I will when I get more time.

Reviews(14)

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over 2 years ago ForestWalker said:

I found a few grammar and spelling errors(nothing that can't be easily fixed :) but overall I think you have done a pretty darn good job with this. Your writing style is excellent, and I like the sentence structure. I must admit, I was a little doubtful when I first looked at it, but you managed to wipe that doubt away within seconds.

And now I'm left with a million questions buzzing in my mind...

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almost 3 years ago Rachel Rauch said:

Everlasting Tomorrow

Overall: Overall, this story was very well done. There were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that need to be changed. And the storyline was a little cliched but I still really enjoyed it. I couldn't put it down! :) The characters were pretty brilliant as well. Nicely done! Keep writing and good luck!

Prologue

Description: I suggest you make your character descriptions more livid. This means you should make the flow through the descriptions smoother and merge it with the action. For example, don't give the descriptions the second you see them because right now it doesn't flow well. Especially in the sentence when you meet the queen. It says "A woman dressed in a shimmering gown that runs to the cold marble floor, with a silver crown sitting atop her dark blonde curls". I would suggest you change this to "The blonde haired queen turns from where she was standing in front of a window to look at the man. As she approaches him, her shimmering gown trailed on the ground behind her." But this is just a suggestion.

Story: Just by the synopsis and the prologue I can tell this is your stereotypical Young Adult novel. And I can't say I blame you. After all, my own novel "Once Upon a Wish" is about a girl who doesn't know anything about her royalty and falls in love with a prince. However, this is slightly more cliche because it's about a girl who has no idea she has the ability to chase back the darkness that plagues her kingdom. But she has a destiny. Also, you don't offer a reason she doesn't know why this is happening to her.

Chapter One

Grammatical Errors: Most of your paragraphs don't flow well. The sentences just don't make sense. You need to find more ways to rewrite these paragraphs because the story is very fast-paced. I have no idea what's going on so I almost don't want to tell you how to correct it because you know what's best for your story. For example, most of your sentences are like one or two words they're so short. The first and third paragraph of the first chapter is so confusing. It's the way you present the sentences that confuses me the most. Then the story does not support the way you write.

In some cases you forget what kind of punctuation you used and capitalize a word in the middle of the sentence. Other times you forget a comma when you need one. You also use a period when it should be a comma because it's not a full sentence. You need to watch that. You have made a lot of these errors so far. Such as in the sentence "'No, not a ghost.' I say, worry flooding my mind, 'Its worse. Jessica.'" absolutely NEEDS to be revised. It can be changed to "'No, not a ghost,' I say worry flooding my mind. 'It's worse. Jessica.'"

Story: I really enjoy young adult fantasy. I enjoy the cliched story lines and how every day people can become incredibly powerful with a single discovery. I love what you have here I just don't think the way you present your ideas flows very well. One thing, just doesn't go into another very well. For instance, someone doesn't slip on paper. And even if they did how did she know who threw it? It doesn't say that Jessica turned to see Aubrey throw the piece of paper or she wouldn't have slipped. And it's not as if she's a mind reader. You also didn't give enough character development to support that Aubrey is usually a trouble maker. So I'm a little confused. You leave me wanting more. Even with the frequent errors I am really interested in reading what comes next. As I have mentioned, I enjoy reading fantasy and this is essentially good it just needs some revision.

Chapter Two

Grammatical Errors: There are some spelling errors that can be easily fixed. However, you may have made these errors more than once and I suggest you go back and revise it so you don't make the same mistake twice. The word "alright" is always two words. So you need to change the sentence "Maybe everything would be alright" to "Maybe everything would be all right" because this is formal writing.

There is quite a bit of repetition. You repeat a word or phrase almost right after you said it the first time. Find another way to say it the second time or just get rid of one of them. Such as the phrase "back of the room" in the paragraph "hoping I could find one that is near the back of the room. 'Hey Aubrey, I see a table over there' she said, pointing to the back of the room." Do you see the problem? I won't tell you how to fix it I just suggest you delete either the first or second one.

Some of the sentences have fluency issues where they just either don't make sense or they do but it doesn't work well. In some cases you have extra words that you don't need cause they don't add anything to the sentence. For instance, the words "that is" could be taken out of the sentence "hoping I could find one that is near the back of the room". It will be flow better so the story doesn't seem so jagged.

Story: Again, I feel like someone failed to point out the realism of some of these situations. One, the table is to Aubrey's right or left and so is Jackson's plate. Two, when you trip, you usually fall in a straight line. Unless, the plate was on the floor, this doesn't make any sense. She would have to fall diagonally in order for this to work out.

Chapter Three

Characters: I love how relatable Aubrey is. I love her character because I can really relate to her. She has one good friend but she's seemingly invisible to everyone else. She loves to read and I love her for it. She's got a little bit of spunk but not too much that it overwhelms the rest of her character. Nice characterization skills!

Grammatical Errors: You made another few spelling errors in this chapter. I suggest you read over each chapter before you publish it because you seem to make more than a few typos. They're easily fixed but you should be able to catch them yourself. For example, you spelled the word "at" incorrectly in the sentence "but you know that I'm going to end up a the music store". I realize this is just a typo but remember that each error you make can really distract a reader from the story. Also, you spelled the word "spare" wrong. The word you used in the sentence "Roni let me borrow a spear shirt" is "spear" which is a weapon. So it looks like you're saying "a pointed weapon shirt".

Story: Uh, no, he would not be the only dad that would notice if their daughter were wearing a different shirt. Dads tend to notice the slightest of things. If she had come back from a night at Roni's house, she might have been wearing the same shirt and her dad would definitely notice that.

Chapter Four

Story: When Roni enters the bookstore, it seems like she's purposely sneezing in order to get out of staying. But that could just be me. It later comes to light that Roni has an allergy to dust. Maybe you could bring that up a little earlier because right now, it just seems like Roni was purposely being a jerk. The bookstore clerk is named after an angel how fitting. I like the "Who am I to stand in the way of destiny?" line. It really gives us insight into his character.

Grammatical Errors: Again, you have multiple spelling errors. It's not a big deal, they're easily fixed but again I must emphasize that you look over your stuff before you publish it. You might catch errors that you didn't before. For instance, you spelled "grateful" wrong in the sentence "She gives me a greatful look".