A Traitor's Word

A Traitor's Word

1 chapter / 692 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

If you have to die, die. It’s better than living being known as the one who destroyed it all. The one who ruined us. And in this case, the one who ended the world

Comments(10)

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almost 4 years ago ambi said:

Okay, this was pretty cool. I did like the overall plot, but after I read Forgiveness and the Damned, I'm sure that you can do better. The flow is off and rather choppy in this story, but it wasn't so in the other. There are also a handful of grammar mistakes that can be corrected with a thorough reread. I also think you can reword your sentences and make them longer/shorter to fit the flow. I would listen to the reviewers here; most of them have good points. Overall, good job. Keep writing!

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about 4 years ago Nicole Enyart said:

That was really intense. I was kind of hoping he wouldn't give in I mean I knew he would die, but I didn't think he would give in after the kid died. Maybe the punishment should have been worse like allowing him to see the undoing his information did.

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about 4 years ago Baesch said:

hiya, just wanted to ask, where did you get the cover? It's amazing.

Haaaa

about 4 years ago Gabriela Boginsky said:

Wow, I didn't expect that ending! I could totally imagine the woman and the kid's head getting sliced right off. Good job on the description. Even though I didn't know much about the background or who the people were, this still was very interesting. Thanks for the swap! :)

Reviews(2)

Tea2_picmonkeyed

about 4 years ago Someone said:

Please remember that this contains my opinion and my opinion only. It is your piece and not mine. Please note that nothing in this review is directed at you personally. You do not have to read this review if you do not want to.

STORY REVIEW:

'vibrate off the walls' - I think the word you're looking for is 'reverberate'. 'vibrate' has a different connotation.

I notice that you group things happening simultaneously in single sentences. Don't do that. If things are happening separately, put them into separate sentences. Otherwise, your work can sound wordy.

For example: 'My screams vibrate off the walls as the blood flows from a stump where her head used to be.' and 'She drops to her knees and falls to the ground while the man in black takes out a cloth and wipes the blood off the shining sword.'

...There are people who still use swords? Why would he try to run if he knows he's tied to a chair?

Why is he an agent if he's so afraid of death? I'm sorry, but it just doesn't make sense. He should be an agent out of patriotism, shouldn't he? He shouldn't tell because he believes in a cause, not because he's afraid of retribution. But that's just my opinion.

'A short man with cold eyes and a trench coat walks out with a child who looks about nine years old.' - You can reword to cut some of those phrases. For example, 'child who looks about nine years old' can become 'nine-year-old child'. 'A short man with cold eyes and a trench coat' can become 'A cold-eyed man with a trench coat' (We don't really need to know that he's short, do we?)

'His face seems to be frozen in fear.' - Clarify so that the readers know you're talking about the child and not Fargo.

'If I told, who knows what could happen to me.' - Check the tense in this sentence.

'Honestly, I'm impressed," The man' - replace the comma after 'impressed' with a period.

'gave me a smile and patted the kid's blonde head,' - Check the tense. Also, 'blonde' is a noun. 'blond' is the adjective.' Replace the comma after 'head' with a period.

'Here was my chance' - Check the tense.

'about the plan I die' - insert comma before 'I'. I find it strange that he's so obsessed with his own death and not about the consequences for everyone else if he tells, especially considering he's an agent.

'If I don't the kid dies.' - insert comma before 'the'

'I take a deep breath and say,

"Yes."'

^ Merge those two into the same paragraph. The next paragraph should start with 'The kid's eyes grow wide as I hold back tears.'

'"Wow, I gotta admit agent, you're one tough nut to crack" He says as he laughs' - insert comma before 'agent'. Insert a comma after 'crack'. Don't capitalize 'He says'

'as he laughs, "I thought that would' - replace the comma with a period.

'You proved me wrong good sir" He sets' - insert comma before 'good'. Insert period after 'sir'

'As he says this a woman' - insert comma before 'a'

'a woman shuffles into the room I'm sitting in with black hair cascading over her shoulders and a knife in her hand.' - Wait, the room has black hair and a knife? How about 'a woman with black hair cascading over her shoulders and a knife in her hand shuffles into the room I'm sitting in.' Wait, that's still wordy, and it loses the impact of the knife being revealed at the end of the sentence. 'a woman walks into the room I'm sitting in. There's a knife in her hand.' (Please reword as you want.)

'turns dead serious' - 'turns deadly serious'

'"It's called tell me or Shayla here slits your throat" He says.' - insert comma after 'throat'. Don't capitalize 'He'

'a decision" He says.' - insert comma after 'decision'. Don't capitalize 'He'

'Wait Henry, you might want to' - insert comma before 'Henry'

'war, because' - You never need a comma before because.

'But, we couldn't' - never put a comma right after a conjunction.

'Everyone we took is, dead.' - delete the comma.

'dead" I explain' - insert comma after 'dead'

'where you' should be 'were you'

OVERALL REVIEW:

The flow throughout your piece was a bit choppy, mostly because of the way you strung phrases to the ends of simple and compound sentences. Be careful about the way you order your phrases within sentences as well. In general, modifying phrases/words should be placed as close as possible to the word being modified. Adverbs modify adjectives; adjectives don't modify adjectives.

Also, be careful about extraneous detail. We don't need to know if a character is short unless it's intrinsic to the character's nature. With a short story like this, physical traits are very rarely intrinsic. Let the reader imagine what the characters look like.

Be careful with commas in general. I highly suggest you brush up on comma rules. Also, I suggest you brush up on your quotation rules as well. I've noticed that you tend to forget periods/commas at the ends of your quotations. You also tend to automatically capitalize the words just after the quotation, even if the words are a quotation tag. Be aware about those.

Your characterization was very good, but I find it unrealistic that he would be an agent if he's so intrinsically afraid of death. I also find it unrealistic that he would crack like that at the very end. Surely he's been in life-or-death situations before? You say he's been an agent for at least ten years, right?

In a couple of places, you switched to past tense, but the problems there were very minor. Mostly, your problems were just in commas, dialogue, and phrasing.

Keep writing!

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about 4 years ago Baesch said:

woah woah woah! Dude. I liked the ending, though if you really are only thirteen then damn kid, you need some good chocolate. I found it unrealistic that they would let so many people die, but not themselves. I know it sounds extreme, but when the mind is focused on one cause it can go to those extremes. Does this story continue? It was awesome, all of it, but sometimes I found it slightly confusing as you didn't always state the connections explicitly. For example, you said microphone so I automatically assumed he was talking on a phone or communicating with someone far off.