Empty

Empty

1 chapter / 1439 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Genres:

Writing, Drama

Comments(17)

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over 4 years ago book.coffee.autumn said:

Have you ever read a piece that had love, betrayal, and what not… in a minute? The Sinners have so much emotion in and you won’t believe it, but then you’d have to believe it because you just read it…. Anyway read The Sinners!

Moon

over 4 years ago D3stiny D3cker said:

For the swap. I really liked this, the message and the way she explained the reason she started drinking in the first place. I also liked that the reader didn't know what her problem was until the very end. Good story, not very descriptive but it definately got the point across. Jood Gob!!;)

Quinn

over 4 years ago Quinn Archer said:

This was powerful. The feelings that people can relate to, the situations that they come across, and the betrayals that occur are so spot on.

My only comment is that the beginning paragraph felt like it was kind of a run- on. I'd re- examine the sentences there to see what can be improved, but other than that... good job.

Large-16

over 4 years ago Vivi Aloha said:

That was amazing. It was very well written and I liked the style you wrote it in. The story itself was very depressing and I felt terrible for the girl and hope she gets over her alcohol addiction. But it was really good!

Reviews(10)

Glass_slipper_sketch_by_orico

over 4 years ago E.R.Rose said:

This was pretty great. Your sentence structure was delightfully choppy. Your word choice was realistic and showed a lot of character. The story you were telling was believable and heart-wrenching in its honesty and over-all sadness. The only to recommendations I have are structural and it shouldn't take long to fix them (if you chose to).

The first thing you many want to do is cut the piece of dialogue in the beginning. The reason I say this, is because I kept expecting the other character to come back and speak again, but they never did. I also like how the whole piece felt kind of like a dramatic monologue, and that one line in the beginning kind of took away form that.

My second recommendation is to break your writing into smaller paragraphs. You were doing pretty well in the beginning, but as we got near the end, the writing became one massive block of text and that's a bit distracting for the reader. Try to limit yourself to five or six sentences or paragraphs (though, shorter is generally better). Make sure that each paragraph expresses a complete thought.

Those where the only two problems I had with the piece. Over all it was bitter, real and very dramatic. Well done! ~Jess~

Jennifer-lawrence-miss-dior-thumbnail

over 4 years ago Spunky Tea said:

*Free Read Request from the Self-Promotion and Critique Forum*

Cover: Hmm, I feel like it could be better....maybe be more metaphorical as to what is occurring in the piece? This may seem a bit obvious, but maybe depicting something empty like maybe an empty vodka bottle? That hints at the alcoholism and can represent how not only she feels empty, but that no matter how much she drinks (even until the bottle is empty) that she still feels a lingering sense of emptiness. I just feel like the cover is not a.) eye catching nor b.) doing your story any justice.

Summary: You have no summary...I would highly suggest adding a summary. I’m am one of those people that if don’t see a summary, I am that much more inclined to not read it. I like to know what I am getting myself into. Now, if you want to keep certain things a surprise, you can still leave it vague or up to interpretation. Something that catches my attention, but I may have no idea what it really means therefore I read to find out more.

Comments: I love the line that says “three letters....to actually explain”. I think it’s very powerful and contrasts how easy it is to ask questions or for an outsider to wonder, but have no idea of the magnitude of the answer or just how difficult it can be to give it out. You’re starting to lose the character at some points and simply list things on like a drone. Like boom, boom, boom, fast forward, boom boom. I understand this is supposed to be a quick paced flash by of your life and all the shit the protagonist has been through. There are select moments, where even a change in word choice or by inserting a certain phrase, would make it feel more like I’m sitting in an anonymous group listening to this girl. Like it feels real. I feel like you’re aiming for the sarcastic tone, yes? So maybe make it seem a little more like everything she is saying is fine, like who shouldn’t be conforming to society like that, yet the reader can still feel her breaking down as she talks. I see glimpses of it, but I feel like it needs a little more. It lacks that element. The highschool paragraph is huge. I know you’re splitting it by time period, but walls of text are never pleasing to a reader’s eyes. I think the “Wait” “What?” dialogue is a little unnecessary. I feel like you can condense that little issue with the boyfriend in a manner where it’s not a “and then he did this, and I said this, and explained this, and did that” kind of format. Maybe, “Nevermind mind the fact that I told him to wait. Nevermind the fact that I was nowhere near ready and all that pressure was a weight about to bury me in regret. But in the end I guess it didn’t matter, my refusal translated into him shoving me out of his truck and driving away like the great boyfriend I thought I deserved. “ something like this? Or along those lines at least? You see how I didn’t need to include dialogue and I gave more insight into her mind and her feelings? Now, you might have intended other feelings for her, and that’s perfectly fine. Just to give you an idea. I think you can break at “for the first time” and start a new paragraph. Because it’s not just talking about high school, but throughout her whole journey she finally have a name to that emotion she couldn’t quite put her finger on, and it’s the theme and central point to the entire piece. I’m not a fan of the drunk speech slurring of the words that some authors use, I feel like it takes away from the seriousness of the piece. I think to still achieve that effect you can just try “8 shots. 10 shots. 11 sho-” or “11.....” Again, I don’t think you need the play by play of how the girls found you and took you to the party and so on. I think it would be much better if you maybe phrased it as “I wept until I felt a knock at the door. Little did I know these girls would offer me solace. They would open doors for me I never even knew existed. They took me to my first party and exposed me to the substance that would change my life: alcohol. blah blah blah” I think the play by play strategy gets a bit annoying and it walks the line of mere bullet point summarization and storytelling. I’m not sure how I feel about the really long quote/dialogue. Hmm, maybe you can still have the first dialogue. And then say something like how the mere question made her want to burst out in laughter or maybe glare at the person in charge (I don’t know, whatever you envision her doing more) and maybe after the million breaths to explain line or even after the first paragraph although you might have to edit some sentences and say something like “but I decided to take the first of many and tell her everything from the beginning. as best as I could. The ugly, never pretty, truth” Or something like that. That way, I think we can escape the really long dialogue. Then, perhaps at the end on the last paragraph, sort of resurface the reader and have “That’s how it all started” in quotation marks as a dialogue and then follow it with “‘That’s how it all started,’ I said with a sigh as I finally looked up at the face that wanted to know why. ‘But, it’s not how it ended.’ I amended. “ Then you can have the rest in quotes as if it were dialogue. I love the last line. I feel like it says a lot about her personality and the way in which she deals with her issues. The philosophy she has been living by. Whew, that was long lol. I normally don’t try to give the author examples of how to rewrite things, but I felt like you were taking it to such a good place and with just minor fixes it would be that much more impactful. Please keep in mind you can totally ignore everything I have just said as it was just a matter of my own opinion. All in all, this piece was good and has the potential to be so much better. It was a strong topic and you showed the descent into it nicely.