When I'm Gone

When I'm Gone

4 chapters / 1055 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

A series of unrelated pieces that talk about living overseas, and the loss of those that are left behind.

Genres:

Writing, Biography

Comments(1)

Laasya and me

about 3 years ago LATHiSH said:

Very well written. I could feel the emotions. You have expressed the emotions pretty well. I read all the chapters and I loved the second chapter "A friend in need," especially the second para there, caught my attention. I wanted to point out, in your sentence "But yesterday when I was told my grand aunt died," does it convey the meaning that you intended? Sorry, I don't know, but I got stuck there. May be just me. I am not a good critic. I still feel, there is something wrong there. Maybe something minor, I am sure. I enjoyed reading the story. I got an emotional feeling. I can also say that it is sentimental, we will feel love and the value of love! We truly realize the value of relationships. I liked this piece of work. The concept is good. Eustacia, thanks for sharing a good piece of work. Happy writing!

Reviews(4)

Bnr_01

about 3 years ago Marjorie Y. said:

Hi! This is for the swap for my story "Tinolang Manok on Sundays". You actually thanked me in my profile for reviewing this, but I think you may have mistaken me for another person 'cause I haven't reviewed this until now. But anyway, thanks for your review and here's mine for Around the Hospital Bed (Chapter 4).

Negative: I wasn't moved emotionally by the whole situation. I thought long and hard about why, then I realized that it's because the subject (the speaker) never reveals how she felt about the situation. We only see how other people are affected by the accident. Since we see from her point of view, the grief that we're supposed to feel for the woman-- and by the way, I wasn't clear on who she is (probably an aunt?)-- is not personal. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe this is a true story. Generally, these are harder to fictionalize because these are very intimate details and you naturally hold back because they're private. The down side is, you spend more time on external stuff that distracts from the emotion you want to convey. Take for example, the story of the two good Samaritans. If you take out those 4 lines dedicated to them, it wouldn't make any difference in the poem. As it is, it distracts from the family's grief because now I'm curious about the lady and the man and the husband that was brought home; what exactly happened? So, see, I'm now distracted by that other event, instead of focusing on this event which is the one happening around the hospital bed.

Positive: The imagery was very clear from the start to the end of the poem. I like how you highlighted how unexpected everything was by describing the color of people's clothes. Like, you were just celebrating something wonderful and then, boom, a close relative is fighting for her life. And this close relative is unrecognizable because of her condition, you point that out. I can sympathize with that too, because sick people do look different from the bright and cheerful person you knew them once as. My favorite line, though, is the last one. I thought that was very powerful. That's how you end a poem, right there.

That's about it. Keep on writing!

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about 3 years ago Manoj said:

Hi! This is for the 4th chapter, the poem. (Swap). Okay, I like the beginning, us, joyful children, and them, mixed feeling adults. You've put mother's day celebration into the concept and that makes it even more sad. 'Bit by bit the story comes out, Of the two good samaritans...' please change the word 'Of' into something, because I thought something happened to those samaritans first!!! You say she is 'brain dead', 'choked to a fishbrain' and 'her heart stopped' and then a woman 'who can no longer feel', so... Which one of these is true? It's seriously confusing, because afterwards, you say that that your grandma prays and cries(but how!???)! Overall- good poem, keep it going! Happy writing!