On the Water

On the Water

1 chapter / 99 words

Approximately half a minute to read


Shiverine, Melanie and Lauren were out surfing. But, when a horrible shark attack knocks the girls off their boards, Stephen and his uncle fish Shiverine out - alone.



over 4 years ago IzzyFizzy said:

Ah. Alone. Ah. I loved it XD Very different from my entry haha. But yus. SHARKS.



over 4 years ago Kubrah said:

I know that you're working with a constricting word limit, so if you can't work it in just wait until the contest is over.

I think that this would be an excellent prologue for a story. I think it would be more effective if you described her as in a state of confusion, where everything she hears blurs together. Another thing. Instead of saying that she is throwing up "bits", you could just change the sentence to..

~ And then I am gagging, choking - throwing up the painful, breath-suppressing fluid that...etc

You could also be more descriptive. Describe the sound of the water she puked up splashing against the rock. Is she even on rock? Or sand? Tell us. Does the sun blind her? Is she cold?