Forbidden ~Supernatural Diaries~

Forbidden ~Supernatural Diaries~

4 chapters / 3700 words

Approximately 19 minutes to read

Description:

~Part of the Supernatural Diaries~

"You and I are the same. We're outcasts- not wanted. People fear us. It's funny isn't it? Just because our parent is powerful, your instantly considered a freak and are scared of."

Lena Jones is a seventeen year old girl in New York. She's used to being the loner in high school and having a boring life- so she doesn't except being sent off to a camp for 'special' kids on her birthday. After having to deal with her moms disapperence and her dad practically absent ever since, being sent off to a year long camp seems like bad karma just keeps on coming for Hazel. She's even more shocked at the events that happen at the mysterious camp- like having to fight with swords on insane obstacle courses, learning that the Greek gods are actually real, and meeting new acquaintances that are more mysterious than the next- what's a girl to do when the world she's always known is a lie? One night she is visited by a goddess in white; who tells her to stay away from the guy she's just starting to like and sends her on a quest to stop a rising evil. With three other campers, she sets off to find more recruits from another demigod camp. What will happen on Hazel's quest with the one she's supposed to hate, the one that annoys the crap out of her, one silent warrior, a likable friend, a cocky jock strap, and a know it all? And will the strictly forbidden just be to hard to resist?

Comments(7)

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over 4 years ago Krystal Fragoso said:

I liked it so far. I personally love Greek stories. I'm addicted to them recently, but it's hard to find a good one. I think you have a really nice start from what I read. A few grammar mistakes, but everyone has those. Rereading will help fix them. Great job so far!

Profile picture eris

over 4 years ago Eris Blackburn said:

First of all, I'm really sorry for the late reply. Wooo hooo Greek mythology! At first, this reminded me a bit of the Percy Jackson series (which is always a good thing), what with the camp for demigods, The Big Three and whatnot.

I really, really want to know what happens next! Why does Hades want to kill her? What's her power? Who's her mother? Urghhh, I can't wait for the next chapter!! Great job and keep up the awesome writing!

Ab

over 4 years ago Anna Browne said:

--"The supernatural are vicious, cold blooded creatures;" There should be a hyphen between "cold" and "blooded" instead of a space. --"Their minds corrupted- no, clouded" I THINK it should be "Their minds corrupted - no, clouded" but I honestly am not sure. I went through a passionate overuse of hyphens phase, so I don't know. Might want to ask a friend to be sure. Same with the line "I do apologize-".

So because what I asked you to read was short, I just read this chapter in return. I will give you my honest opinion:

I hate it. Nah, I'm only messing with you. I love it! The plot is really cliche, and usually that gets on mine (and most people's) nerves, but it takes a really good writer for me to like a cliche story. So, I guess it would make sense for me to return that follow, wouldn't it? :)

Love this, keep me posted. I have a hard time reading updates from people I follow, so I'll do my best :)

-Annabella

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over 4 years ago Trail of Glitter said:

Cool and dramatic. I love the beginning and it pulled me in. Don't change a thing!

Reviews(2)

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over 4 years ago Ella Black said:

ANALYSIS

In italics are words from your original story

[In these brackets are what I think you should edit] - If there are words in the brackets, it either means you spelled something wrong, need a period, comma or quotation mark, or just forgot a word (or need one).

If there's a slash in a bracket, that means the story would be better without the word. For example, Marcus [/had] always thought Serena was pretty. - You see the slash before "had", yeah that mean to scratch the word out. Of course, this example was created off the top of my head, so it's not a very good example.

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GLOSSARY

1. Aeolus-- God of the winds (roman) - "roman" should be capitalized.

2. Boreas-- God of northern winds, god of winter; daughter Khione - Instead of saying "daughter Khione" I think "father of Khione" would sound more natural.

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Chapter One - Happy Birthday

1. "Good [morning][,] New York! Today[,] we have a storm coming in--"

2. Yeah, yeah- you're probably saying[,] ["][Oh] come on, it can't be that bad["]. - There should always be quotation marks when you're "saying" something.

3. I slept pretty good, [hence][,] why my long, slightly curled, dark brown hair was everywhere. - I think you should changed "slept pretty good" to "slept pretty well", because the word good sounds weird in that sentence - "slightly curled" sounds funny, I think "wavy" would sound better.

4. I picked out a princeton 1746 long sleeve , a beanie with a pom pom, dark [floral] pants and black lace up ankle boots. - There is a unnecessary space after "sleeve".

5. Grabbing my [messenger] bag, I made my way over the bathroom.

6. What? Haven't you ever seen Criminal Minds? - No error here. I just wanted to say, I LOVE CRIMINAL MINDS! I WATCH IT EVERYDAY!

7. My [dad's] tall figure was hunched over the counter, trying to work a waffle machine.

8. "Look who's up," Dad greeted, walking over to me [and] putting his hand on my shoulder[.] "Happy Birthday, Lena Beana." - You were writing "and" the whole time, then all of a sudden, you use a ampersand (for all of you who don't know what that it, it's this: &) and it really interrupts the flow of the story.

9. I've seen all those movies with the dad who decides to spend more time with his family [overnight], but come on, this was ridiculous.

10. I took a seat on one of the [bar] [stools] at the counter, and he slid the plate [and] fork over to me.

11. "Would you get offended if I disposed of this... [thing]?" I asked. - "Thing" shouldn't be capitalized because even though there's a pause, "thing" is still a part of the sentence.

12. "Nah, it's fine[.]" Dad shrugged, taking my plate and throwing the contents [/on it] away. The "on it" is totally useless, plus, it sound more smooth this way.

13. "Happy Birthday[,] Lena!"

14. What. The.Hell - Space after the period after "the" (does that make sense?)

15. Since I had dyslexia, [it] was hard for me to read.

16. Not like the teacher cared, [she] stills gives me a bad time.

17. In no time at all, [it] was free period.

18. And I did what I always did: [sit] by the oak tree, eat an apple, listen to music and read.

19. "Hello?" I asked, [my] voice shaky.

20. [Its] eyes [were] red, and [its] teeth were sharper than sharks. - "It's" means "it is" while "its" is the possessive of something unnamed.

21. [Its] 'friends' were helping [pinning] me down.

22. "Sorry," I said[.] "Not gonna happen."

23. I smashed the one [on] my other leg with my bag.

24. "Lena, why aren't you at school?" he asked in concern[.] "Is something wrong?"

25. "I'm taking you to camp," he replied firmly[.] "It was your mother's plan.

26. [I] wasn't special at anything. - You were writing in first person, then you suddenly wrote in third person.

27. "So what you're saying is, that I'm going to skip school, [go] to a camp because I'm 'special' just 'cause my mother I don't even know says so?"

28. School was stressing me out and I was just being...... mental[,] I guess.

29. "Why are we in the middle of [nowhere]?" I asked.

30. "Oh, sorry[,] Lena," dad said[.] "Follow me."

31. "We didn't come to attack, Milla, "My dad offered[.] "I'm just here to enroll my daughter[,] Lena."

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Chapter Two - Grandma, you did this

1. Well wait tell you here this; - Yeah... this makes no sense at all...

2. it had glowing Greek, Egyptian, [and] a bunch other hieroglyphics engraved on it, making the dark tunnel dim with light.

3. So, my dad is sending me to camp for freaks who have up to date technology and campers with glowing eyes [and] deadly garden powers.

4. "Milla, Will," [she] greeted as soon as we walked up. - I thought his name was "Wren", not "Will". Okay, I'm confused.

5. "As usual," [she] muttered to herself,

6. "Yeah[,] Miss Goodman?"

7. "Would you please show Lena to her assigned home?" Lorine ordered, whilst handing him my information[.] "And after that, could you show her around campus, also? - When did Lorine have a folder (or whatever it was) of Lena's information? Did it just appear out of thin air?

8. "Sure thing," [he] told her, snapping his eyes to Lorine for only a second and then continued to look at me.

9. "Are you alright?" [he] asked unsurely.

10. So I rush home, tell my dad- who must be insane because he drove me to the middle of [nowhere] and expects me to stay in a random training camp because my [nonexistent] mother told me to.

11. "Wonderful, charming, sexy person?" [he] asked, faking innocence.

12. "Look, I'm sorry, ok?" Reese tells me[.] "It's not that your story is funny, it's because it almost seems like nothing compared to other [people] experiences on how they got here." - "people" is already plural, you don't need to add an "s".

13. "Can we just more on so I can show you around?" [he] asked as I squired under him

14. "She's not supposed to exists!" Hades snarled at his son as they sat down in his throne room[.] "She's a mistake! She needs to be destroyed before she learns her powers."

15. "You must keep her from interfering, my son," Hades orders[.] "Make her trust you, make her take you wherever she goes. If she gets close to finding the truth- kill her."

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Okay, that took a long time. While I was reading, I notice you switch from past to present - a lot. I think this story would be better if you added some more detail, not the character's detail but what the rooms look like. When I first saw this, I was like GREEK MYTHOLOGY! Since, I really love it after reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I really like this story, I like how you made another camp instead of using Camp Half Blood. I really want to know who's Leah mother. Great job!

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over 4 years ago Makii said:

Very interesting story, I really enjoyed it. I originally disliked how your style of writing was very interactive with the reader, but later came to accept and like it. A few minor errors, but nothing major. Excellent work!